My Ass Hurts...

Maybe you're one of those perfect people that pay for a gym membership and always go. Every morning you bounce off with your perfect little fucking ponytail and your big white teeth gleam, as your perfect little perky ass and your annoying little perky, mousy voice goes "I'm off to the gym!!"

First of all, if that's you? Be thankful no one has stabbed you in the eye. Yet.

I'm not one of those people. I forget to exercise until someone reminds me. I don't run unless my life is being threatened. And of course I only try to break a sweat during sex.

There's this wedding coming up that I mentioned before, and I'm pretty sure as my friend was measuring my hips, she was shaking her head and holding her breath, while sucking her teeth. I could be horrible here and mention that as she was measuring my hip to foot distance, I noticed that the hair on the top of her head was thinning and I could actually see her scalp. But that would make me mean. And I'm not a mean person, so I don't know where you heard that from.

Since I broke down the other day after seeing my measurements on paper for the first time, in 5 years, I decided to grab an old Tae Bo tape and work out. You remember Tae Bo don't you? With everyone's favorite scary, sweaty black man, Billy Blanks? After about 30 seconds I quit and went back to the Girls Next Door Workout Video. I enjoy watching them jump around a hell of a lot more than Billy. With Billy, I had to do these crazy hop things and then punch, and then run backwards like I'm a member of the fucking Dallas cowboys or something.

OK...On to Bridget. Bridget is fucking amazing for 34 years old. She looks 21 so she must be doing something right. In one particularly aerobic set of moves with Bridget, you lift one knee, lift the other, kick kick, and then do four jumping jacks while moving back into your starting position. So I'm doing the knee, knee, kick, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, and I'm feeling pretty fucking proud of myself.

BRIDGET: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: Oh, yeah, Bridget! Let's go!

Bridget: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: That's what I'm talkin' about Bridget! Yeah!

Bridget: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! That's it! Keep going! That's it!

S: I know that's it! I know, Bridget, I fucking rule!

Simba: YEEEEEEEEEELP!

Table: Crash!

Ashtray: Flip!

Bottle of water: Splish!

Simba: YEEEEEELP!

S: OW! FUCK! SHIT! OW!

Bridget: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: Shut the fuck up Bridget! I just fucking fell over a table! Give me a fucking second to recover, Whore.

Bridget: Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: I'm sorry, Simba, is your tail OK?

Simba: Fuck off. I'm incredibly pissed at you. I always stand right behind you while you work out and you know that jumping backwards is a stupid fucking idea, but you did it anyway, and now my tail hurts, you bitch, and you spilled water all over me, and now you've left me with no choice but to go into your room, find your favorite pair of shoes, and take a big giant shit in one or both of them.

S: I understand.

Bridget: Come on now! I know you're tired. I know you want to quit. But DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T QUIT! YOU CAN DO IT!

S: OK, Bridget.

Bridget: Are you with me!?!?

S: OK, BRIDGET!

Bridget: Keep that hip out when you lunge. And don't scream so loud that your neighbors call the cops, S.

S: Sorry.

Bridget: Uh Huh. That's good! Right there!

S: Can I ask you a question, Bridget?

Bridget: Sure, as long as you do shoulder to shoulder punches while you do it.

S: No problem.

Bridget: March a little faster! Now what's your question?

S: Am I officially hallucinating?

Bridget: I'd say that's a pretty safe bet.

S: That's what I thought...

Bridget: Now a lot of people want to quit when they start hallucinating. Anyone can quit when they start seeing shit and their stomachs are all fucked up and their thighs are trembling and they're screaming and shit. But don't you think that's a small price to pay for firm thighs? Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Ready? GO!

Papa Smurf: You need to concentrate! Here let me help you with some of those kicks!

S: That's it. I'm turning the tape off.

Bridget: Are you sure you wanna do that? Come on. Only 15 minutes left!

Papa Smurf: You can do it, S. I have faith in you.

S: Of course you do.

So I'm sitting here very carefully on my sofa, as my ass is throbbing beneath me. I think I learned my lesson. You can't just become an athletic person in one day. It's not like I stored up all of my past workouts until I decided to take my ass off the pause button. And most importantly, I probably shouldn't do peyote right before I work out.

Will someone please come kiss my ass for me?

-S

Measurements, Please.

She was measuring my ass. You heard it correctly. I had my measurements taken for a stupid blue taffeta dress, that the bride obviously is only putting me in, so she can look fabulous. Of course brides enjoy making their bridesmaids out to look like 80's hookers, but that's another story, altogether. I understand the bride wants to shine. But this isn't about the bride, or the dress.
This is about my ass.

She wrapped the measuring tape around my bust line which I already knew was going to be a task in itself. Then around my waist. Then, beware. She measured my hips and ass. Her nose squished up just a little while she scribbled down my measurements for that ugly dress and I asked, "So?" She smiled and said,"You're gonna look fabulous! Stop worrying! I better be going. Can I use your bathroom before I go?" Off she trotted to the bathroom before I even answered and I peeked into her little pad to see my ass. My mouth dropped open. When did a 6 sneak in there? 36 inches??

After she left I went into the kitchen drawer and I measured out 36". If my hips were laid out flat they would be 3' long! I mean, holy shit, my hips are almost as tall as I am? How much ass is that? How much fucking ass is that?? That's an assload of ass. That's how much. My refrigerator, minus my freezer is the size of my ass. My entertainment center from from DVD player to television, is the size of my ass. My bathtub is the size of my ass. I continued measuring things around the house, making my way around the rooms with my arms outstretched, the measuring tape pulled taut between my fingers, and I was a measurement monster! Beady little eyes, bulging out of my head, going crazy! You could fit three Simbas on my ass. (Simba is our Chihuahua) You could store all of my clothes in my ass. My bed? As wide as my ass.

I grabbed a piece of pretty stationary and a purple marker from my sister's pen cup by her computer, tossed my bottle of water into the recycling bin, and grabbed another one. I calmly, or maybe not so calmly sat down and wrote in big purple letters at the top of the paper:

CHANGE

1. LOSE WEIGHT (that belonged right at the top) I added a little subheading.
*NOT BECAUSE OF ANY MAN BUT BECAUSE IT'S HEALTHY TO BE THIN*

2. QUIT SMOKING (I crossed it out)

2. DRINK MORE WATER ( much easier, that one)

I mean, cigarettes are part of the diet plan. I took a deep breath and looked around the house again.

3. GET SOME NEW DECOR FOR THE HOUSE

I have stacks of books mingling with stacks of books that I've been meaning to read, piled along with old mail, that I've been meaning to read, unopened. Credit card denials, and bank statements. All it will take is a trip to Walmart and my problem will be solved.

4. GET OUT MORE

I have to say that this 'alone thing' takes getting used to, but come on. It's time I went out a little more often, by myself. I don't always need to go out with my friends or some guy. I could go for a stroll by myself. Get a table for one at a restaurant. Neither of which I've ever done, that I can remember...

5. NEW JOB

I get NO work during the Winter holidays. I get stuck in the house, spending hours on my computer, and watching TV and feeding my pet ass.

6. NEW HAIRCUT?

I think it's time for a little change. Maybe swept bangs, or layers. Maybe some new color, or highlights.

I have decided to start task 1, immediately. Back to on demand exercise on TV and hitting the gym at least 3 times a week. I pay monthly for it, and I haven't been in weeks. I keep blaming being sick, but I'm not sick anymore and I really can't keep using that as an excuse.

Time for bed.


Little note, I got an email from a blogger that asked me to promote her blog. To be honest, I can't say I endorse everything it stands for, but she did ask me, so I have no problem with that. Give it a look-see and leave her comments whether you're for or against the cause. She likes the feedback.

Second little note, this is the first, and last time I'm doing this for someone. I don't want to make a habit out of endorsing anyone, because then my blog will be flooded with spam.

Ta ta for Now.

-S