This is my least favorite time of the year because of all the fucking football. If you ever saw as much football as I've had to watch, you might just start crying.
Let me tell you this much...people have NO idea that I actually can't stand football. They don't know how I find it repetitive and boring. How have I done this? How have I tricked people that have known me my whole life into thinking I'm the coolest girl, ever? Because I'm an absolute expert at faking the football orgasm. Mm mm... Because I really am the coolest girl alive. Because I can.
That's right folks. I can wiggle, scream and cheer with the best of 'em. I can spill beer and throw chips and just about paint my face red white and blue every weekend. It's not just a game for me. It's an art form. Now, I'm willing to share some secrets because I think we're all friends here, now, aren't we? Plus I strongly believe that this will contribute to happy, healthy relationships.
Now, if you break any of the following rules, it will be obvious that you're faking it, so be very careful.
1. Don't walk in front of the television while the ball is in play, while they're doing an instant replay, or while the ball is at something called "the line of scrimmage."
2. Walk (and by "walk", I mean "RUN") past the television only during commercials.
2a. If you're watching the Super Bowl, fuck it. Stay away from the television at all times. Pee before the game starts.
3. Offer beers to everyone when you stand up. You'll be the coolest girl there, and it's still a semi feminist move if you're already on your way to get your own beer.
4. Be familiar with shouting the words "asshole" and "pussy."
5. When the ref throws the flag (it's yellow), start shouting possible reasons why. Try "FOUL!" "Pass interference!" or "face mask!" Don't worry, the boys will yell, too. Continue shouting through the ref explaining why the flag was thrown, at which point you will stop and ask,"What was the call?" Then you will all argue at what the call must have been.
6. Anytime there is a call against your team, it's time for you to yell, "Oh that's Bullshit!!" Just like that. Try it, it's fun.
7. It's called a touchdown and it's worth 6 points.
8. Then they try to kick to get an extra point. That's worth one. Generally they'll get the extra point. If it's a close game, they may try for two points. We don't have enough time, so I'm going into this here. Just trust me on this: If it's a close game and one team gets a touchdown, say,"Do you think they'll go for two?" This'll cause a boy debate, about field goal and ranges and red zones and things you don't need to worry yourself about. Just sit back and think about how cool you look. You'll make it through this yet.
9. If guys are suddenly really upset, ask them what happened. They'll be more than happy to shout out the injustice of the last play. Let them vent.
10. DO NOT attempt to kiss your boyfriend or significant other at ANY TIME during the game. Do NOT go "TOUCHDOWN!! KISSES!!" You will not get them. People will hate you.
11. NEVER, EVER TOUCH THE REMOTE CONTROL.
12. You don't need to know every athlete, but it helps if you know a few names. Here is the athlete that makes it sound like you know your shit. Ready? Bronco Nagurski. (NA-GUR-SKEE). Is that a great name or what? He played for Notre Dame I think. Or something. Doesn't matter who he is, or was. Just say things like, "Well he's no Bronco Nagurski." What I like saying is, "Well, I was really comparing him to someone like Bronco Nagurski." Chances are, they'll all tip their heads back and say,"Oh. Well yeah. If you're doing that." It works like a fucking charm, I'm telling you.
13. Know that being a girl means that if there is an argument about sports, even if you know you're right, they'll say that you, the girl, are wrong. They will find a loophole in your logic and there's nothing you can do about it, because you have ovaries.
14. You're supposed to be happy about overtime. No grumbling or sighing or pouting. After all, this is football and you love football. Yay for more football!
15. Make sure you know which two teams are playing, because they're gonna switch channels during the commercials. They'll watch other games at the same time, so be on your tippy toes. If you're the only one rooting for the "guys in blue," you could end up cheering for the enemy of a different game. At any moment there might be three different games on TV within an hour. I know. I'm sorry.
16. If, like me, you're ever in a situation where you're in a public place and your significant other is standing in the middle of the bar shouting,"That's what I'm talkin' about! You can't fuck with the -insert team name here-!!" It's completely OK to pretend you don't know him at all. Get someone to buy you a drink.
17. I don't care how persuasive they are. Listen to me and listen good. It's not tradition to take your shirt off when there's a turnover. You don't have to do it.
18. The Super Bowls are counted off in Roman Numerals. Don't say the X's and I's. Hey, I don't know what level of expertise you're on. I'm just checking.
19. If you're watching the Super Bowl, you'll probably have to sit through the pre-game and post-game festivities. It's OK to laugh at the pre-game stuff (which involves a terrible film of some guy making the Super Bowl ring), but it's not OK to laugh at the post-game footage. The levels of beer consumption are so drastically different before and after the game that it's best not to have any reaction that might affect an emotionally vulnerable, boozy sports fan.
20. The season does end eventually. Then you get to watch hockey, basketball and baseball! (these are things you're supposed to be excited about.)
Now go out there and fake it like a pro. You can do it. GO TEAM!
Back without further delay,
-S
p.s. I can't wait to write a little about the past week. We all knew my break wouldn't last, too long, right?
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