I want to say before I write this post, that I'm not looking to be judged. I know that opening my personal life up on the internet is asking for a bunch of assholes to make me feel like shit, but I'm going to write about this subject anyway, and just hope for support instead of assholes making me feel worse.
About a year ago, I was prescribed a prescription pain killer. Who am I to say I didn't enjoy pretty much every moment of being on that pain killer. It was a bottle of some pretty strong shit, and it had a bunch of refills. Yes. It was a narcotic. Yes. I kept taking it even after I wasn't in physical pain anymore.
After some time, I realized I wasn't taking these pills for pain at all anymore. I would take them like clockwork first thing in the morning. After lunch, I'd take them. Before bed, I'd take a couple more. So, three times a day, without being in pain or even getting high for that matter, I was pumping myself full of narcotics. My doctor kept refilling my prescription, without asking me how my pain was doing.
A few months ago, it hit me. I'm addicted to prescription pain medication. I spoke with my doctor about this, and she assured me that it would be better to "ween" me off of the medications instead of just quitting cold turkey. She told me that it would be painful and I probably wouldn't stick to it. Slowly I began to "ween" off of the pills, when it hit me again. I just, can't, do this. I told her I wasn't ready to "ween" so sure enough, she said "No problem" and gave me my prescriptions back. At the time I was thinking of what a cool doctor I have. Now I'm looking back thinking what an idiot she is. Why the fuck would she allow me to stay addicted? Why wouldn't she tell me to suck it up and get off of them before it got any worse?
It got worse. I don't walk around high. I don't get high at all. but when I don't take my prescription pills, I can't function. I sweat. I shake. I vomit. It's like all the symptoms of every flu you've had all thrown into one fucked up flu that there's no cure for, except for taking my damn pills.
Today I took the first step. Over the past few weeks I've been looking into programs and trying to find a place that helped to treat this addiction. I honestly don't feel alone in this. It's more common than I thought for people to become addicted to these medications and for doctors to keep the addiction going by doling out more pills with stronger prescriptions instead of helping their patient. I went to have blood drawn this afternoon, and Thursday I'll be starting a methadone detox program. I've been told by a few people I know, that this isn't the way to go. A lot of people are concerned for me, becoming just as addicted to methadone as I am to these pills, but I can't imagine myself, as young as I am, flushing my life down the toilet for an addiction that I know I can beat before it gets any worse than it already is.
For now my plan is to start the program this Thursday. (I have to go in under complete withdrawal symptoms, which is something that I've never let happen, and it scares me to death) I'll have an intake and they'll give me my first dose. It's supposed to completely wipe out all symptoms of withdrawal within half an hour and the dose will last me 24 hours. I will have to go in every morning, as long as I'm part of the program. Since my insurance doesn't cover "detox" I'll be on "maintenance" instead. So instead of a 21 day program, I'll set up a treatment plan and detox over the next 4 months instead of 1.
I hope everyone that reads this blog understands how hard it was for me to write this post. It's going to be a pretty bumpy road over the next few months, but I hope everyone is here for me and understands that this could've happened to any of you, just like it has to me.
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