Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Fucking Weirdos...

OK. So awhile back, I got this note on my door from this little girl named Lily (age 7). It was a no smoking sign. Now, no smoking signs I can deal with. Big deal... Who says I smoke anyway? COFF!

Today, I went to the post office and was gone for maybe...hmm..20 minutes. If that, to be honest. There was no queue and I zipped in and out in no time. When I got home, I came to find a new note PINNED to my door. Now, the first thing that ran through my mind was Homer Simpson strangling little Bart, except it was my hands around little Lily's throat. But alas...nooo... On closer inspection, I realised it wasn't from Lily at all. It was poorly written and it looked a lot more like someone who was an adult tried a little too hard to make it look like it was from a child. This wasn't Lily... Nope.

The little piece of paper PINNED to my door with what looked like a little sewing pin, said "I see your knickers." Admittedly, last night I ran across the living room naked with the window open, BUT all of the lights were off and NO ONE could've POSSIBLY seen me. Also the spelling on it was terrible, which makes me worry if this is an adult. It said "I see you're nickers" Yes... I'd be embarrassed to post that on someone's front fucking door, wouldn't you?

I was going to let this go, but to be honest it's quite dodgy and quite disconcerting. I mean, who the hell is looking in my window often enough to see my knickers, anyway? And if they DID see me run across my flat at 4:00am with no clothes on, would they seriously pin a note to my door about it? I ended up phoning the police and reporting the note. So maybe that seems just a little anal, but the police found it a bit disconcerting as well. So now we wait. Hopefully no more notes will appear but the notes have been saved and I'm hoping it was just a prank by some stupid kids in the neighborhood.



Tuesday, May 18, 2010

YOU eat it!

Some people call themselves picky eaters. Some people will eat anything. I, on the other hand manage not to like anything until I play with it enough to be edible.

Examples of my pickyness. Is that even a word? Pickiness? Pickyness? Fuck it. I'm picky. Spell check doesn't like the word no matter which way I spell it. I went to lunch last week and ordered a chicken salad sandwich. Now, chicken salad is what? Chicken and mayo, right? So why do they feel the need to pile cucumbers, tomatoes, lettuce, sprouts, and what-ever-the-fuck else she put in there. I can't turn my head for a second without seeing a GIANT sandwich. I go to the bench to eat it and pick everything out. When I say everything, I mean I was left with nothing but a couple chunks of chicken and some mayo. Even the mayo was almost gone. So basically, I ate fucking bread for lunch.

I've gotten a little bit better over time. I used to have to have all of my food separated on the plate. If any of it was touching, I wouldn't eat it. I'd make giant food volcanoes and have them erupting mushy peas.

A list of disgusting foods.

-Mushrooms - Slimy disgusting FUNGI that taste like ass. Not that I've ever tasted ass... Or that I'll ever admit to it..

- Sprouts - This includes all brussel (spelling?!?) sprouts and bean sprouts.

- Any kind of meat that's rare, medium rare or raw. How the hell can anyone eat meat that isn't fully cooked?!? If it looks like it's bloody, keep it far away from me unless you want to see it come back up when I try to eat it.

- Leafy greens - I don't like lettuce that isn't iceberg. If it's too green, I won't touch it. I also hate broccoli, spinach and cooked green peppers but I can eat them raw.

- Fish - Just ANY kind of fish. If it looks like fish, smells like fish or tastes like fish, I won't touch it. Drown tuna in all the mayo you want. It's still fucking fish. This includes all shell fish or chicken prepared like fish. Not happening. And don't try to trick me either, because I always know.

- Any food that I haven't inspected before I eat it. That means taking it apart and putting it back together to my liking.

I do have a slightly promiscuous attitude toward food. I don't like everything, but if I DO like it, then expect to have it everyday until you find something else I like. I can live on overcooked chicken and fruit until the end of time. Oh, and snack food. Nothing beats a bag of crisps in the morning and a diet coke. Breakfast of champions.

This has been a lesson to all you parents out there. Don't let your children dictate what they will and won't eat. Force them to eat their veggies or they might just end up erupting out of Icelandic volcanoes made out of mashed potatoes and green beans.