Monday, May 5, 2008

I'm going Insane...

So, I have a twitchy eye.. Ever had one of those? It's like, you feel it. You know the thing is fucking twitching, but no one else notices it? Fuck.

So anyway, it went away, but now it's back. It's back and it's mad. It wants to be heard. It wants to be seen. It used to be that other people wouldn't be able to see it if I forced them to stare at my head, but now you can see it. At least, I can see it. I can really notice it. It looks like my eye wants to leave my face, or something! Needless to say, a few cups of coffee in me and my twitch, I've turned into South Park's Tweek.

It's my right eye. The twitch is in the upper eyelid, and it appears the twitch will go away only when I'm talking about, worrying about, addressing or thinking about the twitch. I searched the Internet and found a range of solutions. Ones that started with "It's perfectly normal," to "...Unless it's a brain tumor." Blink. Blink. A brain tumor.
The Web doctors seem to all agree that it's caused by caffeine, lack of sleep or stress. God, you've just gotta love the internet.

Well, I guess I'm just living with a twitchy right eye for the rest of my life, as I don't see how I'm going to get rid of one of those three things. I mean, come on people, I gave up smoking. I'm sure as hell not giving up my couple cups of coffee a day. I don't even drink soda that often. I drink like, a liter and a half of water a day. I exercise. I try to sleep six to seven hours a night. I try. In high school and my first year of college, I only slept four hours a night (if that). Hell, a few months ago, I was only sleeping about five a night (if that). I'm sleeping more than I've ever slept before.

Check it: I nap. Nap like I'm fifty. Nap like, "Shit, grocery shopping was so exhausting. Where's my pillow?"

I keep rubbing my eye, hoping that a little pressure or a tiny massage will help. I tried not drinking coffee, drinking more coffee, sleeping until eleven in the morning, and a mask. I'm still twitchy.

Then I worried that I was really sick, and that the headaches I get on my left side aren't from stress or some shit, but from the tumor I have in my head. I worry that I caused this by letting that stylist pluck my eyebrows for the past 3 years. I worry that it's because I'm worried about money, about traveling, about moving, about paying all of my bills. I worry that it's because I'm behind in my work, wishing I could just sit still and read a good novel.

(Sidenote: all I want to do is sit and read this novel I have, by the way. It's by one of my favorite authors and I think it's terrible I haven't been able to read it yet. But, to be honest, I bought it over three weeks ago. Then I read what it was about, and I'm so scared by the concept of the book, combined with my lingering feelings and shivers I got from the last one, that I talked myself out of reading it for the time being. I got too scared to read the book. How sad is that? I had to read a breezy book, to work up my nerve.)

Then I worry that I'm worrying too much and then my eye starts to twitch. Again. Actually, it was only twitching when I left the house. When I met with someone. Now it's just twitching all the time. Today I think it twitched more than it didn't twitch. I hate this. I hate having to feel it twitch all day. Nobody sees it, at all. Nobody notices it, at all. But the fact of the matter is, that I know that it's there. I know I'm twitching. It makes me feel all full of anxiety, the soles of my feet twitch, I can see dark circles under my eyes (and I've never, ever had those before), and I start to worry that every single thing that happens to me is another sign that I'm sick and dying. OK. That's exaggerating just a tad...but STILL!

Trying to avoid anxiety gives me more anxiety than anything else. Now the twitch is winning, you see? It's taking control, I tell you! It's telling me to think about it all the time. It's making me think that something's wrong with me, which only makes me feel worse, which only encourages the twitch to keep on dancing. ....breathe....

'Kay. I guess that's all I have to say, tonight. I'll pop back in, soon with a more, um, conventional, Simply Curious, post.

I'm considering the big move to Word Press. I bought myself the domain name, sometime ago, and I'm slowly trying to figure it out. What do people think? Blogger is starting to really piss me off, and it's sure as hell not helping my fucking twitchy eye!