Monday, January 21, 2008

Are you Smarter than a 2nd Grader?

I went to my Gramma's house the other day and played with my little cousin. We both have our little pink Nintendo DS, so we synced them and played together. She loves that I have all the cool games. So while we were playing Donkey Kong and I was kicking her 8 year old rotten sweet ass, she asked if she could play alone. Kids. Hmph. Fine. She just got tired of losing. Ha! So we traded games. Of course the only thing that my uncle buys her are lame educational games, so I figured, how hard can a kid's educational game be? I mean she's 8...right? Wrong. Big Brain Academy...that's the name of the game. Sounds like a little pussy game, right? Wrong again.

A picture of my spoiled adorable little cousin playing with her DS.

Here I am all whizzing through the practice test and shit, going fast as fuck and not getting all of them any of them wrong. I'm like, yeah, I'm the fuckin' man woman. I've got the same warm feeling as when I was beating her ass at Donkey Kong. Go me! So the little guy pops up and tells me how much my brain weighs. I'm not going to say what he told me, because I'm actually embarrassed. Not only does my brain weigh about as much as a coffee cup, I got a D+. A fucking D+! Let me add that I had a full academic scholarship to an Ivy League University, and I scored brilliantly on my LSATS. I was pissed. I figured I just didn't know the mechanics of the game and I needed to pick my speed up a little. So I tucked the DS into my pocket and left without giving the game back. Shut up. I didn't steal her game. She's happy as a clam with Donkey Kong. Obviously she knew I had the game, anyway. She thought she was getting over on me by keeping Donkey Kong. I bet she got tired of being told she has a little brain too.

That night, I took the game out while everyone in the house was sleeping, and I began to play. I played, until my hands hurt and my fingers bled. OK. Not really. But I played for about 4 hours because when I looked up it was well after 3:00 am. No sooner did I look up that I got this dizzy throbbing sensation in my head and stomach. It was something like car sickness. I'm thinking to myself, fuck...I think I'm gonna barf. I don't know why it is when I feel sick, I always wait until the last possible moment to get up and go to the bathroom. Maybe it's the thought that I might overcome the feeling and not barf at all. This wasn't one of those times. I waited and waited, until I knew there was no overcoming the feeling and I ran to the bathroom fumbling for the switch, remembering just a little too late that the light bulb was out, and projectile vomited in the dark right into my toilet. I'm talented I tell you. Can't you just hear the Mexican guy on TV screaming "GOOOOOOOAL!" Needless to say, after all those hard hours of playing Big Brain Academy, not only did my brain seem to shrink, but I'm now battling carpel tunnel syndrome and arthritis in my 20s. (I have managed to work my way up to a C though.)

I don't understand why they have all the games they have for kids today. Look at the show, Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader. I do better on that show than I do on the brain game, but nothing makes grown men look more stupid than not knowing their fractions or 3rd grade Geography. I guess what else bothers me, is when I was a little girl, kids seemed a hell of a lot smarter, even without all this high tech bullshit. I grew up on Top Ramen and cartoons where little blue men skipped around singing and ran from a one toothed villain and his cat, and I turned out just fine. Even if that stupid game says I have a brain the size of a pea. In my opinion, the "Super Size Me" Generation is doomed.

45 comments:

  1. Because it is testing knowledge at your age, you don't regularly use or rely.

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  2. Malach, that's bullshit! It was more like an IQ test. Choose the two matching squares among a bunch of squares. Connect the dots. Hard to describe; but I swear, I even did better at my last IQ test.

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  3. I think that game would make me want to just go sit on the couch and eat Cheeto's and drink tequila and watch reality TV. I feel much better about myself when I watch those losers on reality TV.

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  4. Jay, funny, I always feel like I have something lacking in my life when I watch people acting like idiots for my entertainment. I've always wanted to be on Survivor.

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  5. I think that they put so much pressure on kids these days to learn so much so fast that they're all turning out stupid. My daughter is pretty smart but I don't force all these weird pseudo intellectual games down her throat. Some of the girls in her class in the second grade still talk like babies. I can't understand half of the sentences they form. It's like listening to her when she was still in nursery school.

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  6. Sinead, is that it? I was talking just fine and counting to 100 and knew my abc's before kindergarten. My cousin, T, the one in the picture talks like she's 14, but isn't the most book smart little kid. She still has trouble reading and doing even the most basic of math. On the other hand I have another cousin, a few months younger than she is, and she still mumbles like a baby. I think the speaking abilities have a lot to do with who your children are around. If they're around adults more than children their language skills develop at a much faster pace.

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  7. i just got a ds for chirstmas and i don't have that game. i only have one that the ds came with. thanks for the info. i'm not getting it ever.

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  8. I think it has something to do with evolution. There has to be a word for reverse evolution. Not all kids these days are dumber but I think a lot of them are.

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  9. ooh now thats annoying- the game i mean! i would still be playing it just to prove it wrong!!!

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  10. isnt that shit bad for kiddie self esteem and shit

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  11. There is another 'game' here called 'Brain Training' which tells you how 'old' your brain is. My friend's daughter has the game - it told my friend her brain age is 92 :-D x

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  12. There is another 'game' here called 'Brain Training' which tells you how 'old' your brain is. My friend's daughter has the game - it told my friend her brain age is 92 :-D x

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  13. cute cousin!... don't be too hard on yourself, i'm sure you will do much better tonight

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  14. Keep in mind that it's not the size of the brain, but how you use it. Nah, that's not true, it's all about size.

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  15. I'm sure the years and alchohol have affected the test results somehow. ummm not that I think you're old... ummm or drunk.... Oh crap!

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  16. Speaking of years affecting a person... ummm try substituting "alcohol" above :)

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  17. I worry about this new generation, too. When we were growing up, we only OCCASIONALLY played video games and we didn't have cell phones or computers. Now, it seems that's all kids do these days; play video games, chat on their computers, text message on their phones, etc. What are their social skills going to be like? They spend more time with electronics than with real people it seems....

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  18. The cousin is really cute ;)

    Not just the games, look at the high-end equipments they have. They are so good, it makes me want to show them my physical power.. Now you can't beat that can u?


    You had me in splits on *GOALLL...

    I have not stopped giggling since ;)

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  19. Hey, you're still under the weather. You're not at 100% of your capacity yet. Don't sweat it.

    Maybe we should have a show that comes on right after the 5th grader show like Can you out wit a 48 year old? where we fuck with little kids heads.

    Hey, I gave you an award today. Come on by.

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  20. I have always wanted to obtain and play one of these games. Friends of our have one (a little younger than I) and when they played they were told they had a brain of an 80-year-old. They have since gotten down to 22 years old after hours & hours & hours & hours of playing.

    Do I dare?

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  21. ha ha... Theft... I wonder how long it will take you to get to an "a"

    Wow full ride scholarship... did you use it?

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  22. Nice! I can barely keep up with my 9-yr-old's math homework! Try the game Brain Age if you really want to feel bad!

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  23. You projectile vomited in the dark and hit the can?

    Will you marry me?

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  24. Lucky, I almost want to recommend this game to you. I'm not saying you're stupid or anything, but if you like a challenge and addictive-type games, this is the one.


    Alkee, You should check out this post over at mental poo. That guy is fucking hilarious.


    Angel, these days it's impossible to prove a machine wrong unless you break it. But then you get sent to therapy and anger management classes.


    Nos Junkie, Well, if I was a kid, I'd say yeah.


    Kitty, I'm tempted to look for it. I don't think it's a DS game though.


    Sweetass, when I read this comment last night before settling for the night, I thought, how the fuck did she know I'm going to go play now? Just because of that, I proved you wrong and did NOT pick up the game last night.


    Angry Man, I was about to say...keep telling yourself that, honey, but you got it.


    Ron, well, normally I'd be all offended and shit, but I might have been a little tipsy the first night I played. As for years, I'm not old yet, unless you judge by the arthritis in my hands from playing video games. And don't feel bad about typos. I speak fluent typo. I could probably teach a class on it...One of these days people like us will actually use spell check.


    Alli, when I was a kid, I think pagers were the big thing. There were cell phones but they were only for movie stars, extremely rich people and attorneys. And the things were the size of fucking police walkie talkies. Big ass antennas, too. Kids these days are also all diagnosed with ADD, some kind of learning disability, and 60% of them are in therapy and on some kind of medication before they're 11.


    Veen, the cousin is, in fact, the anti Christ. Leave it to my only foreign reader to find my foreign jokes funny. Keep coming back, veens. It works if you work it!


    To be continued in a few minutes....the dog is beckoning me to take him out.

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  25. Bruce, I think that even tops that survivor kids, game. I always thought there were too many adults there looking after them. I think it should be a race on who can make the kid cry first. Extra points for smashing his dreams of Santa, the Easter Bunny, Superman, and all that is good and holy. I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'll be over in a jiffy to come and see. Thanks.


    Jen, why would anyone *want* the brain to get younger. Personally, if it told me I had an older brain, I'd get all excited and shit. Maybe not 80-90, but I'd love to see an age over 22...


    Random, I'll probably never get an A. Also, I failed to mention this isn't even on the intermediate level. I think it was the one right after beginner. The scholarship. Yes. I did use it for a little while for pre-law courses and later decided it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life and gave it up for photography. Some might call it extremely stupid, and others might call it the most intelligent move that I'll make it my lifetime. I guess it all depends on perspective. I do want to go back to school, but not studying the same field, and moving all the way back to NY and leaving everything I have here, behind, is a big step.


    Ann, I think you're the third or fourth person to mention that game. I'm getting tempted. It's a shame the games for the DS cost like fucking 30$. It's insane. I think those little mini games should cost less.


    Mike, only if you can woo me. Give it a shot.

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  26. I know I am a dumbass when it comes to kids games...well pretty much anything in general.

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  27. I'm with the other mike on this one. If you can projectile vomit into the toilet in the dark, who cares if you can play a silly ass little game.

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  28. Pre Po, thing is...I don't think this is really a kid's game. I think it's one of those games that they say is for kids to make everyone feel stupid. Come to think of it, I don't even know if it says it's for kids. Maybe it's really a game for the extremely gifted and I did better than most.


    Mike, you're so sweet. Would you hold my hair? (not a drop on the floor, I swear)

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  29. It's a proven scientific fact that you can only use each brain synapse a certain number of times before it burns out like a light bulb. You fucked up by doing pre-Law. However, alcohol encourages the formation of new synapses. Or something like that. I read it all somewhere, but don't remember exactly where. Or maybe it wasn't about the brain at all. I probably need a beer.

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  30. Colonel, pre-law wasn't hard at all. Just extremely boring. It turns out I'm one of those artsy fartsy types, only wittier, more intelligent, less peaceful and cleaner... OK. Come to think of it, I'm not all that artsy fartsy after all. Have a beer, hun. It tends to work wonders for my creative process.

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  31. I found your blog through bloggers choice awards and I just want to say I'm so glad I did. I really really really like your stuff and I hope it's ok that I'm just leaving a comment like this since you don't know me or anything, but i had to say I totally love Amelie too. You got my vote. Did you know your in second place?

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  32. Hahahaha! Now I'm curious about what that game would say about my brain! I did alright for my B.S., even though my primary goal in college was drinking. Too bad I don't have a DS. But I always thought that show was mistitled. Instead of "Are you smaarter than a 5th grader" it should be "Do you remember more mostly useless facts than a kid who just learned them this year even though it's been 20 years since you learned them?" Although that longer title would mess up the kids singing . . .

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  33. Lover girl, I forgot about those things until the other day. I don't think the votes have gone up much since I first got nominated, but it has brought me some fun traffic. I'd probably be in 1st place if the guy ahead of me didn't have everyone in India voting for him. Why can't Americans band together like that?



    Scott, Maybe something more along the lines of "5th grade Snapple Facts." That could work. My sister played the game, who by the way is a few years younger than I am and she got a D. My little cousin still gets steady F's.

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  34. You're the sweetest! I like being on top...

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  35. I don't play games and I don't care if women think I'm stupid.

    I can build, make, fix, and invent things, and fix my rigs and keep them running, saving myself tons of money.

    Today I put a new roof on a storage area, that is getting something more important than games done.

    But I'm part Irish, so I'm just like that. And like any good Irish man I can sex any woman into happyville.

    Well, the right woman anyway. Never got any complaints from the right women. They always wanted more.

    Of course my dick is stupid, I'm 64 and it still thinks it is 25 and still gets up most days. Stupid dick.

    Stupid dick, but I don't let it control me anymore. Love to talk about it though.

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  36. fuck scg bbc is fucking crazy. what the hell is wrong with you man?

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  37. I find children today the most annoying little shits out! Not only are they cheeky buggers but a bunch of smart arse do gooders! They're spoilt (exhibit A being your sweet little cousin...you said it!) & they're are missing out on the good things that children should have...like playing outside till the street lights come on, swimming, playing with mates (outside), building tree houses, watching silkworms turn into moths...you know...the shit we all use to get up to!

    Nowadays they're too grown up for their own good! I say leave the educational bollocks for the teachers & let kids be kids when they leave the classroom!

    Jesus, they have to deal with all the adult shit later on in life...give them a break...let them have some fun before it's too late!

    And...I swear those games are meant for us because we are the ones who sit & play them, trying to conquer the knowledgable guru that is the micro chip inside, making sure that we're far more intelligent than what most think!

    That's my two cents worth...use it, don't use it!

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  38. Ted, not quite as nice as shiny things. Ohhh. Pretty.


    bbc, that was a disturbing comment to say the least. Can you please keep your comments related to my post?


    Lucky, I'm agreeing with you right about now...


    Kab, all great points. Trust me, if I could've gone on and on, my post would've been annoyingly long. which is why I opened up comments when I did. I think that the only difference these days, as far as playing outside and such, is that there are so many more child predators out there. Back in the days, like I'm sooo old, if a kid was kidnapped, the whole country went crazy looking for them. Now it's so common to be 'annoyed' by Amber Alerts that interrupt peoples' TV shows. Ah, now don't get me started on the adults.

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  39. Did ya know you can browse the internet on your ds? Flash doesn't work, but if your bored and want to check your emil when you're in line at the bank, it comes in handy. Course it will set you back $30.

    I'm a ds lite junkie. I have to tell my girl to hide it from me. :P

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  40. Have you played the game? Finally someone that understands my pain! I'm only a junkie when I have nothing else to do. I browse the internet for free from my ipod touch. Just steal someones wireless like I would from my laptop.

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  41. Well it's actually not right to compare a kid's brain with an adult's brain. Kids r not overloaded with junk like we adults r, so kids hv a supergood and pure memory..well thats my excuse ;-)

    Keshi.

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  42. Keshi, tsk tsk. You're completely full of shit! Don't you remember being a kid? (especially a girl) All the drama with crushes on boys and so and so is talking about so and so. My life was over every other week as a kid.

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  43. You are so fucking classic! I think we barfed at the same time. I made the toilet as well. You thunk yourself sick! I am pretty sure my mother and a bottle and a half barfed me!

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