Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Once the Drugs are Done...I feel like Dying

I want to say before I write this post, that I'm not looking to be judged. I know that opening my personal life up on the internet is asking for a bunch of assholes to make me feel like shit, but I'm going to write about this subject anyway, and just hope for support instead of assholes making me feel worse.

About a year ago, I was prescribed a prescription pain killer. Who am I to say I didn't enjoy pretty much every moment of being on that pain killer. It was a bottle of some pretty strong shit, and it had a bunch of refills. Yes. It was a narcotic. Yes. I kept taking it even after I wasn't in physical pain anymore.

After some time, I realized I wasn't taking these pills for pain at all anymore. I would take them like clockwork first thing in the morning. After lunch, I'd take them. Before bed, I'd take a couple more. So, three times a day, without being in pain or even getting high for that matter, I was pumping myself full of narcotics. My doctor kept refilling my prescription, without asking me how my pain was doing.

A few months ago, it hit me. I'm addicted to prescription pain medication. I spoke with my doctor about this, and she assured me that it would be better to "ween" me off of the medications instead of just quitting cold turkey. She told me that it would be painful and I probably wouldn't stick to it. Slowly I began to "ween" off of the pills, when it hit me again. I just, can't, do this. I told her I wasn't ready to "ween" so sure enough, she said "No problem" and gave me my prescriptions back. At the time I was thinking of what a cool doctor I have. Now I'm looking back thinking what an idiot she is. Why the fuck would she allow me to stay addicted? Why wouldn't she tell me to suck it up and get off of them before it got any worse?

It got worse. I don't walk around high. I don't get high at all. but when I don't take my prescription pills, I can't function. I sweat. I shake. I vomit. It's like all the symptoms of every flu you've had all thrown into one fucked up flu that there's no cure for, except for taking my damn pills.

Today I took the first step. Over the past few weeks I've been looking into programs and trying to find a place that helped to treat this addiction. I honestly don't feel alone in this. It's more common than I thought for people to become addicted to these medications and for doctors to keep the addiction going by doling out more pills with stronger prescriptions instead of helping their patient. I went to have blood drawn this afternoon, and Thursday I'll be starting a methadone detox program. I've been told by a few people I know, that this isn't the way to go. A lot of people are concerned for me, becoming just as addicted to methadone as I am to these pills, but I can't imagine myself, as young as I am, flushing my life down the toilet for an addiction that I know I can beat before it gets any worse than it already is.

For now my plan is to start the program this Thursday. (I have to go in under complete withdrawal symptoms, which is something that I've never let happen, and it scares me to death) I'll have an intake and they'll give me my first dose. It's supposed to completely wipe out all symptoms of withdrawal within half an hour and the dose will last me 24 hours. I will have to go in every morning, as long as I'm part of the program. Since my insurance doesn't cover "detox" I'll be on "maintenance" instead. So instead of a 21 day program, I'll set up a treatment plan and detox over the next 4 months instead of 1.

I hope everyone that reads this blog understands how hard it was for me to write this post. It's going to be a pretty bumpy road over the next few months, but I hope everyone is here for me and understands that this could've happened to any of you, just like it has to me.


  1. Oh honey, good luck with that. I can't believe your doctor took that route with you!
    Big Hugs and absolutely no judgement.

  2. I think it takes an immense amount of strength to admit you have an addiction, to share it with others, and to do something about it. I don't know you, but I am proud of you & I wish you the best on this journey you are about to begin.

    I, too, hope no one says anything horrible to you about this. If they do, don't take it personally.

    I also hope that you can find another health care provider who actually cares about your health. Do know that not all of them are like that....

    Best wishes & strength to you! You can do this!

  3. I can't believe your doctor didn't try to work with you harder on that. I have a phobia of becoming addicted to pills or anything really because I've seen it happen in my family. It's an easy thing to start and a difficult thing to beat. It's very brave of you to take the steps needed. If you ever need an ear or anything feel free to email me and I am sure many of your loyal fans will offer the same. Good Luck.

  4. When I hurt my back a few years ago I was given Vicoden by my doctor. Pain killers don't really affect me much, so they didn't do much. When I told the doc they didn't do much, he gave me something else. It was much stronger and I felt like I was getting addicted pretty quick. Luckily it was a small prescription and I told him not to do that one again. He changed the prescription again to something else and it again had very little effect, but I said screw it and just suffered. LOL

    I got lucky cause my doctor headed it off. I wish your doctor had done the same.

    You're very brave for being open about this. Best of luck to you and remember that you our support!

  5. I totally admire you for a) posting this for the world to read b) understanding the situation that you're in isn't a good one to be in and c)doing something about it.

    So many people stay on their pills because it's easier to stay on them rather then get off, they think they need them or they don't even know that there is a problem.

    If people decide to judge you, then they simply don't get it. Ignorance (and withdraw) are both bitches. I wish you nothing but the best. Hang in there, you're going to be in a good place soon :)

    PS. Sorry it's been so long since I've stopped by. Been a little busy.

  6. I'm sending you cunt support waves.

  7. It take a lot more guts to post something like this..

    I did kill that doc for doing this to you.

    Now go on kick the shit out of the addiction.. I am sure you can do this!

    All my support for you.. and i will pray you get better soon.

    Take care.

  8. That's a helluva brave thing to post about, and you've got all our support. The Pharma industry puts out some pretty potent stuff these days, and i really think your doc wasn't doing her job, but there's no real point getting into that now. just stay strong and you'll make it through. Damn new keyboard- my caps key keeps blinking out.

    Some folks stay addicted to these things for years and years, so good for you for recognizing what was going on and having the guts to deal with it. Most people don't do that until somebody forces them to.

    Stay strong.

  9. You know I'm here for you. I hate to hear what you are going through. Things like this happen to innocent people all the time. Its scary, but you'll always find those who've worked through the same ordeal to give you inspiration and motivation.

    I hope this goes as easy as it possibly can for you. Shoot me a line if ever you need to - I'm good at listening.


  10. Good luck, addiction issues are real tough, and pain narcotics are a hidden societal issue.

    The things your are feeling physical are the beginnings of withdrawal, and also surprised they are going the methadone route and not trying weening and counseling first.

    I have a ton pf professional experience addiction issues, if you need some advice email me: rubbersuitman@rubbersuitstudios.com

  11. Thanks everyone. I'll keep everyone posted over the next few days. I appreciate all the support.

  12. This is awful. I'm so sorry.

    Good for you for being you. Even better for finding the help you want. It won't be easy, but it can be done. I've only lived on the outside of these things; watching from the sidelines. All I know to tell you is, is that it is tough. It will be difficult for you, your family and your friends (that is if they are aware). Know that people love you regardless. Even if you don't think they are there for you - they truly are.

    Please feel better in your heart, soul, body and mind. Get back to being who you really are. Find your happiness.

    Hugs to you.

  13. malach is right. narcotics are a hidden societal issue. you hear about movie stars and famous people, but people have no idea how common it is for normal day to day people to have the same problems. the difference is we can't afford $20,000.00 for a month in posh programs to get clean. I don't think anyone that reads this blog would condemn you for reaching out and telling us this. it's a huge step just to be able to talk about it and i am so proud of you. please email me if you need to just talk or vent about anything. sineadlf@gmail.com

  14. malach is right. narcotics are a hidden societal issue. you hear about movie stars and famous people, but people have no idea how common it is for normal day to day people to have the same problems. the difference is we can't afford $20,000.00 for a month in posh programs to get clean. I don't think anyone that reads this blog would condemn you for reaching out and telling us this. it's a huge step just to be able to talk about it and i am so proud of you. please email me if you need to just talk or vent about anything. sineadlf@gmail.com

  15. SCG, I have gone through this same problem. I'm still struggling with prescription pain medications and slowly weening off. please keep us posted on how the methadone helps you. I'm considering the treatment myself, even though I've been advised against it.

  16. ohhh sweetie im here for u! big hugs and know that your not alone!

  17. Again, big thanks to everyone and I'll be keeping you posted. I'm answering all emails that were sent and I'm sorry that my comments aren't as individual as they usually are.

  18. just keep at it, don't give up ok XXX

  19. The things women like you do for attention. Why didn't you just get a puppy? You would get just as many awwwws

  20. I am so proud of you... for admitting it and for taking steps to sort it out.
    I have seen many people know what the problem is but just leave it

    you go hunny you are so stong

    I will be sending you strength for the journey ahead

  21. You've been incredibly strong to (a) confront your addiction, and (b) attempt to beat it. I admire that immensely. Like Malach, I'm surprised they're not trying to wean you off the medication first - I wonder if it's possible to get it in a lower dose than you've been having and do it that way? Or in liquid form - which is easier to 'measure' and therefore easier to cut down.

    However you do it though, I'm sure you'll do it. I wish you luck, strength and health. I'll be thinking of you.

    Take care of yourself (((hugs))). x


  23. This is going to be one of the hardest things you'll ever do but judging by the strengh and guts you've shown already - you CAN beat this. We're all pulling for you.

    (and speaking of guts.... takes a brave soul, "Anonymous", to make a comment like that)

  24. We're all pulling for you.
    I must say that I'm pretty fucking outraged at the behavior of your doctor. I mean, they shouldn't just continue to refill that shit, nor should the pharmacy, for no reason.
    I'm hoping you'll get through this, SCG!

  25. Being hooked on something sucks so I know how you feel. I'm hooked on smoking and just can't whip it.

    Smoking is stupid, everyone knows that, even smokers.

  26. No judgement here sweetheart. This is a very common problem. The doctor (ond ones like her) should be shot. It's just further proof of how far into the pocket of the drug companies the medical profession is.
    I wish you luck and send you strength.

  27. Again thanks to everyone but anon for the kind words. The doctor was just doing what most doctors in the USA do these days. It's a problems no one talks about. People are embarrassed just like I am, and it's often ignored or left untreated. Pills are given to everyone to treat any little problem you have. Everything from being sad to restless leg syndrome. I mean, come on...

    Today I'm not doing as great as I was yesterday. I fell really shitty, and I don't go into the program until tomorrow. I'll still be keeping everyone posted.

    A little note to the anon that left me the nasty comment, I actually already have 2 puppies and even they're more supportive of me when I'm sick than assholes like you.

  28. My heart goes out to you, I'm sure it is going to be a difficult journey, but a great reward at the end. You're half way there by admitting to yourself and accepting the honest facts. I hope you find the courage and strength to get through the next few months. I will be pulling for you!

  29. Good luck SCG and all my best to you. Keep us posted.

  30. Wow - best of luck with coming off them!

  31. i second the wow by squirrel. I really had no idea. Im sure it took alot of courage to write this and I assure you that no one is going to look at you any differently on this blog. looks to me like you have a whole bunch of support. what about family? are they there for you? dont listen to cowards that can't even say who they really are. I've been reading this blog for awhile now and I know you can see who cares about you here and there are a lot of us. STAY STRONG!

  32. I know you can do whatever you put your mind to doing. You'll come out of this a stronger person.

  33. New Kid on the BlockJanuary 30, 2008 at 9:15 PM

    I don't know oyu personally but after sitting ehre and reading all of your blog in one evening I strongly believe you are a very strong and strong willed woman that will beat this. Good for you for taking the steps that you need to. Not many people are able to do that. Kudos to you sister.

  34. Your doctor SUCKS. And is committing malpractice. And should be reported. You can contact a local hospital and ask how to report a doctor who's giving improper care. If that was the extent to which she went to get you off this shit, its unprofessional, unsafe, and absolutely not in the patient's best interest. She should be reported - and the state medical boards are usually VERY quick to address complaints such as this.

    Good luck to you.

  35. I'm answering again, sort of broad and I apologize but I'm probably not really going to be up to par until tomorrow evening or late afternoon.

    It's not considered malpractice. I was just as willing to take more pills as she was to give them. I was asking for more. A doctor can't just cut you off of a narcotic without weening you. I agree that she should've gone the weening route and not given in to my pouting, but I don't think it's malpractice if she didn't know the extent of my issues. I'm just as guilty and taking responsibility for my actions. I have to get clean and I will.

    Like I've said above, I really do appreciate the support that everyone is giving me. There's only so much that you can know about a person you've never met, and I really appreciate all of you giving me the benefit of the doubt and not ripping me to shreds at a time of weakness.

  36. Firstly: I'm relatively new to your blog and obviously don't know you as well as your devoted readers/friends/blog family.

    Secondly:I'm shocked your doctor didn't support you more. If you were asking for a script to be refilled beyond an amount of time (as usually there is on on script refills on any medication in UK anyway) she should have investigated more into your request. If she had, you would probably not have been in this position now.

    The important thing though is that you are strong enough in yourself and recognise you no longer need them (for pain)and are doing something about it.

    You dug deep to bare your soul this way to us, and i know over the next few months you will need to dig deeper still. By talking openly you are opening your arms to support, (not just the negative judgemental assholes)

    I hope you will beat this, and that you will smash it to pieces.
    Good Luck.

  37. Physical addiction is an awful thing, but it is important to remember that mental addiction also plays a large role.

    Lately I have been watching video's of a man named Dr. Richard Bandler, something you may be interested in. He is a big deal in the world of Neurohypnotic Repatterning, and Neuro-Linguistic Programming. Here is a link to one of his videos, http://quicksilverscreen.com/watch?video=16491
    it may get taken down, as I don't believe it's entirely legit.

    Your mind is more powerful than you know, you can beat this if you truly want to. Don't give up, and don't give in. Make your goal, see it, and meet it. You will succeed.

  38. Your doctor should be up on charges of pushing- what a quack- good luck with the detox- it may seems as though it isn't possible to get off them but it is. Make sure you have all the facts before you begin any kind of program

  39. Good for you for recognizing its a problem..

    I broke my neck 3 years ago and the Dr prescribed Vicodin for the pain. I took this for about 4 months and then realized it was not working anymore.. I told my Dr. he gave me EXTRA strength Vicodin so when I got up to 30 a day I starting thinking "Something is not right"
    Well I told him and he said "Well your only option is to have a morphine pump installed in your hip"
    WTF I went home that night and stopped taking EVERYTHING!!!
    I am not going to lie to you, it was hell, and it was painful, but looking back at what a nutball I was I would do it all over again if it meant I would be where I am today.

  40. I'm going to repeat again, that this is not only my doctor's fault. I can't say I was trying to get off of them when I still could.

    Misplaced, I would never just jump into anything without fully investigating it prior to even making a phone call to the place.

    random muse, it's SO common. When things stop working, they just give out more. It's so so common and very scary to think that doctors are allowing people to get this way. 4 months and cold turkey. That's huge. From what I understand, you can actually die from really sever detoxing. Seizures, convulsions, high fevers and things like that. Damn, you got ball so steel.

    I promise that over the next few days I'm going to appropriately answer most of your comments. I'm very tired tonight and having a lot of trouble concentrating on my blog at all.

    p.s. Same goes for the emails and e-cards I got. I really appreciate them. Please keep them coming!! Those of you sending me sweet things by email know who you are and I appreciate it SO much. I'm going to be answering every single thing I got by email from you all when I'm feeling just a little bit better.

  41. You know some people spend their whole life addicted to perscription drugs without realising. I'm glad you figured it out quickly.

    Your doctor is a fool! What the hell was she thinking? People like that should not be allowed to practice medicine.

    You're going to be fine. Its a hard journey but your a strong person so you'll get through it soon.

    Good luck xx

  42. Brave girl, follow through. No one should judge you, ever. The medical community in our country is often a disgrace. We have so much technology, knowledge, expertise....instead we just hand out pills as if it was the only answer and to shut us up. Serious research needs to go into more appropriate pain management and stop treating us with pez dispensers. Good luck..this too shall pass.

  43. Doctors who knowingly prescribe narcotics to someone have an ongoing duty to diagnose the patient's need and use. If you were openly telling her you NEEDED them - she has a DUTY in her profession to make a further inquiry to determine why you need them. Also, i don't know any doctors, except those that I've seen prosecuted or sued civily who continue to UP the dosage of painkillers to someone and allow them to maintain a prescription well beyond the time which they may have required the drugs.

    Its odd that you're defending her, and I understand you trying to take responsibility for your actions - but the entire point of going to see health care professionals is that they are just that "professional" - this one, clearly, was not.

    At the very least - she was negligent in her care of you.

  44. No judgements from us! My sister was addicted to Valium, and I've been addicted to non-prescription items, too. You can kick this! All our best to you. Keep us updated when you can, ok? You can email for support if you'd like. You have mine.

  45. I guess in a way it does seem like I was defending my doctor. I really didn't mean it to sound that way, and I do think that we both share the responsibility.

    I'm still not really up to answering individual comments yet, but soon enough I'll be feeling better, I'm sure and I'll get to it.

  46. how are you feeling? i'm worried about you. can we have a little update?

  47. oh i'm sorry. i guess we posted comments at the same time! warmest wishes to you scg. i hope you feel better soon.

  48. ok everyone...I'm not better but I'm feeling better, so I'm going to be posting again about normal things. Well, if my posts are what anyone in their right mind would call normal. I miss my blog!

  49. oh my friggin word girl- i cannot imagine what you're going through!!!
    you know, seeing my sister go through alcohol withdrawal in rehab was one of the most frightening and heartbreaking things i have ever seen on my life... good on you for deciding to do something for yourself.
    BIG hugs, i hope it goes well.

  50. Jesus. You are rad, brave, stellar and all things grande. You'll do this. It's weird. I just know that. hugs.

  51. Best of luck to you, dear. I know that we don't know each other very well, but I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that you are making your way through this successfully and safely.

  52. admitting you have a problem is getting half way there. i was paralysed about a decade ago had spinal injury took painkillers when my back started acting up, moms a doc so had easy access to them then i realised tht i couldnt go thru one day without the meds and this was a problem cause i had to live with the injury fr the rest of my life so quit it wasnt easy but i told mom and she helped me thru it. some doctors can be insensitive and realy really ignorant to the point of being idiots but then that the way thing have become