Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Who says Football isn't Fun?

This is my least favorite time of the year because of all the fucking football. If you ever saw as much football as I've had to watch, you might just start crying.

Let me tell you this much...people have NO idea that I actually can't stand football. They don't know how I find it repetitive and boring. How have I done this? How have I tricked people that have known me my whole life into thinking I'm the coolest girl, ever? Because I'm an absolute expert at faking the football orgasm. Mm mm... Because I really am the coolest girl alive. Because I can.

That's right folks. I can wiggle, scream and cheer with the best of 'em. I can spill beer and throw chips and just about paint my face red white and blue every weekend. It's not just a game for me. It's an art form. Now, I'm willing to share some secrets because I think we're all friends here, now, aren't we? Plus I strongly believe that this will contribute to happy, healthy relationships.

Now, if you break any of the following rules, it will be obvious that you're faking it, so be very careful.

1. Don't walk in front of the television while the ball is in play, while they're doing an instant replay, or while the ball is at something called "the line of scrimmage."

2. Walk (and by "walk", I mean "RUN") past the television only during commercials.

2a. If you're watching the Super Bowl, fuck it. Stay away from the television at all times. Pee before the game starts.

3. Offer beers to everyone when you stand up. You'll be the coolest girl there, and it's still a semi feminist move if you're already on your way to get your own beer.

4. Be familiar with shouting the words "asshole" and "pussy."

5. When the ref throws the flag (it's yellow), start shouting possible reasons why. Try "FOUL!" "Pass interference!" or "face mask!" Don't worry, the boys will yell, too. Continue shouting through the ref explaining why the flag was thrown, at which point you will stop and ask,"What was the call?" Then you will all argue at what the call must have been.

6. Anytime there is a call against your team, it's time for you to yell, "Oh that's Bullshit!!" Just like that. Try it, it's fun.

7. It's called a touchdown and it's worth 6 points.

8. Then they try to kick to get an extra point. That's worth one. Generally they'll get the extra point. If it's a close game, they may try for two points. We don't have enough time, so I'm going into this here. Just trust me on this: If it's a close game and one team gets a touchdown, say,"Do you think they'll go for two?" This'll cause a boy debate, about field goal and ranges and red zones and things you don't need to worry yourself about. Just sit back and think about how cool you look. You'll make it through this yet.

9. If guys are suddenly really upset, ask them what happened. They'll be more than happy to shout out the injustice of the last play. Let them vent.

10. DO NOT attempt to kiss your boyfriend or significant other at ANY TIME during the game. Do NOT go "TOUCHDOWN!! KISSES!!" You will not get them. People will hate you.


12. You don't need to know every athlete, but it helps if you know a few names. Here is the athlete that makes it sound like you know your shit. Ready? Bronco Nagurski. (NA-GUR-SKEE). Is that a great name or what? He played for Notre Dame I think. Or something. Doesn't matter who he is, or was. Just say things like, "Well he's no Bronco Nagurski." What I like saying is, "Well, I was really comparing him to someone like Bronco Nagurski." Chances are, they'll all tip their heads back and say,"Oh. Well yeah. If you're doing that." It works like a fucking charm, I'm telling you.

13. Know that being a girl means that if there is an argument about sports, even if you know you're right, they'll say that you, the girl, are wrong. They will find a loophole in your logic and there's nothing you can do about it, because you have ovaries.

14. You're supposed to be happy about overtime. No grumbling or sighing or pouting. After all, this is football and you love football. Yay for more football!

15. Make sure you know which two teams are playing, because they're gonna switch channels during the commercials. They'll watch other games at the same time, so be on your tippy toes. If you're the only one rooting for the "guys in blue," you could end up cheering for the enemy of a different game. At any moment there might be three different games on TV within an hour. I know. I'm sorry.

16. If, like me, you're ever in a situation where you're in a public place and your significant other is standing in the middle of the bar shouting,"That's what I'm talkin' about! You can't fuck with the -insert team name here-!!" It's completely OK to pretend you don't know him at all. Get someone to buy you a drink.

17. I don't care how persuasive they are. Listen to me and listen good. It's not tradition to take your shirt off when there's a turnover. You don't have to do it.

18. The Super Bowls are counted off in Roman Numerals. Don't say the X's and I's. Hey, I don't know what level of expertise you're on. I'm just checking.

19. If you're watching the Super Bowl, you'll probably have to sit through the pre-game and post-game festivities. It's OK to laugh at the pre-game stuff (which involves a terrible film of some guy making the Super Bowl ring), but it's not OK to laugh at the post-game footage. The levels of beer consumption are so drastically different before and after the game that it's best not to have any reaction that might affect an emotionally vulnerable, boozy sports fan.

20. The season does end eventually. Then you get to watch hockey, basketball and baseball! (these are things you're supposed to be excited about.)

Now go out there and fake it like a pro. You can do it. GO TEAM!

Back without further delay,


p.s. I can't wait to write a little about the past week. We all knew my break wouldn't last, too long, right?


  1. faking the football orgasm...LOL... oh boy your football sounds like our rugby... your list was impressive... you sure you don't like football?

  2. Good to see you back. I don't 'get' American Football - but I love what we call 'football' and you call 'soccer'. x

  3. know your ins & outs!

    You're good...

  4. And now you have explained to all the guys out there how to spot a faker! LOL


  5. You know way too much . . . your a closet fan. By the way, here is some more names that people will love:

    Mosi Tatupu
    Tebucky Jones
    Ray Neitsche

  6. Well I think you covered all the basics pretty well. I really don't start paying much attention to football until this time of year. Watching the regular season games takes a lot of time and effort so I just wait until the end.

  7. I left this to Bruce a Work in Progress and after reading your blog, I knew you would truley appreciate this.....

    As far as sports go, yuck! Hot chicks at the theatre definately a win-win Bruce, keep that up. Hehe.
    I totally ruined football for a friend of mine one day sitting at a bar watching football. I asked "Why do men like to watch other men who are wearing pants so tight you can make out their shoe size, stick their hands between their legs, pat each other on the ass and prance around doing the funky chicken dance after each touch down followed by a massive man-love group hug?" He turned to me and said, you just ruined the game for me.

    Mission accomplished.

    I don't fake shit, including an orgasm of any kind. I ain't selling myself short in this life!

    24 days left till football season is over!

  8. What a GREAT fucking come back, S! I can so relate to this. My guy tries to include me in football because its usually just me and him at the apt when he's watching. I'll usually just mutter "Mm hmm" when he yells/questions with excitement if I saw that play???!!!! Lol.

    I'm trying to get better. With your permission, I may actually print this and study before next season. ;)

  9. Gonna go out on a limb here... you grew up in a house with lots of older brothers??

    I've actually turned my wife into a Patriots fan. We're still both in shock. At least, I think she is... hmmm.

  10. Great post! I think you're really a fan, though. That was too complete a list!

    I am a Patriots fan, through and through...I mean, I'm originally from Boston, and the AZ Cardinals aren't really a team yet, anyway!

    So glad you're back to blogging! We missed you!

  11. Phoney baloney. wow Bronco Nagurski good call, I also would have accepted Dick Butkus. welcome back.

  12. I feel your pain. Or should say, "felt your pain" back in the day when I dated a guy who would flat out die without his football, baseball, pot, basketball and fishing. I knew everything about stoopid inane things regarding these sports.

    I don't anymore, but you've made me remember the times. . . . You're good, SCG! Really, really good!

    Loved this post.

    P.S. glad you've come back.

  13. Sweets, I think they're pretty similar sports. I've never actually watched rugby, but I would bet the same rules apply. No. I'm not a fan.

    Kitty, take a note from Sweets, above you. I think it's similar to rugby. The USA is the only country in the world that calls soccer, soccer, instead of futbol.

    Kab, sjoe? As for knowing my ins and outs, practice definitely makes perfect.

    Gluggy, If you saw me watching a game with a group of guys, you'd never think in a million years that I was faking it. Like I said, to me, it's an art form.

    Malach, great names. Of course I fear men and names, so I'll have to Google them before I use them. I only know a handful of names, but the ones I name are out-fucking-standing.

    Mike, I know people that make a big deal about football almost every weekend. I assume it's just an excuse to drink and make a mess.

    Angry man, you first.

    Malicious, if I said that whole paragraph to the groups of people I know, they'd hang me out the window by my ankles. Not because it'll ruin football, but because during a game, any sentence over 6 words will most likely be ignored.

    Random, I don't know if it would work as well one on one. Notice with the rules, you spark conversations amongst the boys. If there were no boys, you'd be backed into a corner not knowing your shit. Then the cool girlfriend idea turns to mush.

    Colonel, nope. I have all sisters. But I was also raised with my uncles. 3 uncles that watched football every single week. As for the wife, maybe she just got hip to game. I haven't always been able to fake it...

    Ann, not not not a fan. I wish I was one of the women that could say that I loved watching those guys prance around in tight pants and shit, but I don't even find those apes attractive. They have necks thicker than my thighs.

    Ted, I have to admit that that's not the name I normally use during conversations. Someone helped me come up with that one. Good call indeed though. Malach's are pretty cool, too.

    Jen, some girls fake it better than others. What bugs me is when girls don't even try. How many times we rent tacky chick flicks and make them watch, or turn on Desperate Housewives and lie on their chests while we're all toasty eating ice cream. I think men deserve to have a time for them and not have a woman bitching and asking when the game is over. I've always been a pretty cool girlfriend in that aspect.

  14. I don't watch football, or soccer. But I do think about the women that get beat and killed after such games. What a sick planet.

  15. bbc, I've heard of raped and pillaged, but beaten and killed? That's news to me.

  16. this is so awesome! i think ill print it out too

  17. I'm so glad I don't have to perform like that. I don't there has ever been a football game viewed on my TV in my house.
    Girls are so much better than guys at faking stuff.

  18. Awwwwww, I already knew lots 'bout football. I watched it up close an' personal lotsa times when I wuz a cheerleader.

  19. Why am I always close to last to comment here? I can't say I've ever had the pleasure of watching American football so up close and personal. I can picture you though, completely. Hair back in a pony tail, those basketball shorts just below your knees and an over sized teeshirt to boot. I bet all of his friends wished they had girlfriends like you!

  20. Irish, you'd be amazed at how fun you can make football. Really.

    S Hillbilly, lots and lots of practice. When it comes to faking other things, I tend to be gifted as well. Faking real orgasms is pretty much impossible for a guy.

    Dubya, High School or after?

    Sinead, you have me pegged, girl! That's really usually how it goes. I really like being known as the cool girlfriend. I get invited to all the events and treated more like one of the guys. I'm offered a beer, not a wine spritzer.

  21. come on u know u drink those frilly little drinks with umbrellas

  22. Actually Lucky, sometimes those frilly fruity little drinks are more than you bargain for. They might *look* like sissy drinks, but the ones that look like sissy drinks are, in fact, the dangerous ones. You can pound back 5 of them and think you're fine until you stand up.

  23. I'm so glad you're back!! I missed you sumthin' fierce :)

    This post reminds me why I just hate sports and haven't watched any in YEARS!

  24. Sara, it's kind of a good thing I said I'd be gone. I had no power for a week because of the storm that hit northern California last week. It was insane.

    Lucky, if they're left while I'm at my computer, I usually answer them pretty quickly.

  25. Is the Superbowl this Sunday? I have no idea, but I do think Tom Brady is a hottie. An arsehole, but hot.

  26. With southafrican guys...asking them about a rule or to explain something after the game works tones cos now all of them want to be the one to educate you

  27. i am ever so glad you couldn't stay away... and this is easily the best post i've read in a looong time!!!

  28. I was LOL reading this, thanks for sharing it. Your faking abilities should scare every man on the planet. I have faked a few big O's in my life, but thankfully there is rarely a reason to do so.

    Looks like the chic in your picture should have thought twice about having Taco Bell for lunch. :-(

  29. WEhoo shes back **claps hands**
    Ok maybe a little retarded...

    Great pointers, having married a football finatic I have used a few of these "tips" a time or 2.
    One more to add is

    * have a KILLER dip that you make, mine is a cheese & chip thing that I throw together in 3 seconds but they all DIE over it....(*note have it ready for any given Sunday in case the boys stop by). And asking if they want a bear thing CLASSIC I think I once heard the words uttered "Wow, I should have married her!"
    And that only leaves one thing for the man to do and that beam like he just got a new car....lmao

    Oh another thing I do WHEN I JUST CAN NOT TAKE THE FUCKING CHEST BEATINGS is offer to do a beer run. Yeah if their team is losing and they are all mad I use this as a measure to get out of the house for a moment of sanity and stop and shop for shoes...

  30. Rosa, sure is. Tom Brady? I think he looks like he's made of plastic. Come to think of it, he probably is.

    Nos, it's more fun to pretend like you know what the fuck they're talking about. It makes you seem more interesting and not some silly little girl. I guess it all depends on what you like to be viewed as. Some prefer the girlie image. I love being feminine, but I love passing off as one of the guys, too.

    Angel, I doubt I could stay gone for too long. I have too much on my mind to keep it all bottled up.

    Scott, I can't imagine a guy can ever fake an orgasm. How do you explain the lack of mess? It's a lose, lose situation. If she sees no mess, you're not a man. If you can get it up and not finish, you're not a man. If you can't get it up at all, you're not a man (unless you're very old) and she's not much of a woman. So, basically, you'd better have alternatives.

    Musings, I always have things for them to eat. Dip can get messy, but occasionally, I'll go there. As for beer runs, I'd never go on a beer run, because then I'd be willing to miss some of the game. I might argue with them about who's going to make the beer run and accidentally lose, but I never let me guard down.

  31. "bbc, I've heard of raped and pillaged, but beaten and killed? That's news to me."

    It's true, just hid from you as much as possible so that you keep supporting it.

  32. bbc, you actually call my post supportive?

    Frederick, thanks.

  33. Wow totally impressive blog SCG. until you admitted someone helped you out with Bronco Nagurski (I believe his nickname was "The Wild Horse of the Osage"/ Wherever the fuck that is).......well until you admitted someone helped you I was thinking; "About 1 in 2 million women ever heard this name even." So I'm just a little disappointed. My personal preference might have been Elroy "crazy legs" Hirsch. Not sure what made his legs crazy.
    Totally comprehensive list. see now when i yell at the TV, I get told to shuttup. Think I need to trade in for a newer model girl.
    Maybe one who accepts the need to get down under center at halftime. Or likes illegal use of hands. Welcome back

  34. I'm glad you decided on not quitting your blog. A lot of people obviously enjoy your work. I'm going to have to agree with Dave Z on this comment. When I get too loud at the tv, my wife is quick to shut me up. Come to think of it she even did it while we were still dating. I think it's cool that you pretend to like football to make a man happy. Goes to show how much you care about a person and how eager you are to please said person. Great rules. I think I'll print this out and hang it on my refrigerator. Then again, that might be asking for trouble.

  35. I just found this blog but I want to compliment you.
    I started by reading the post before last and ended up reading ALL of your archives. You're a very talented writer. I can say that because while I'm not much of a writer or reader, I enjoyed everything you had to say.

    Very entertaining.

  36. are u still collecting balloons? i havent seen any new ones for awhile. my favorite one is the little girl from the grinch. thats her right?

  37. Wait... I think you could be wrong about the not taking your shirt off on turnovers. I'm almost positive.

  38. Oh, you're good. You're really good. I usual;y just hang out by the snack table and scarf the wings.

  39. Hi SC,

    Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. You made me so happy noting that I'm just "slightly insane". Usually I'm labelled completely barking.

    Thanks also for these brilliant football secrets. I must remember to try them out next time Match of the Day is on.


    ps. Obviously I'll have to come back to read about your blog break .... I'm nosey like that ....

  40. You seem to be on another break. Is everything ok, Cupcake?

  41. You're back! YaHOOO! Hizzah! Hizzah!
    Would you think me any less a man if I admitted that I pretty much do most of the things you just listed when I'm stuck watching football. That's only if I can't manage to slip out to the other room to keep company with all the wives and girlfriends.

  42. God, I have always thought of the football here as 22 nut-heads following A DAMN BALL.
    you know I feel the same when I am watchingcricket!! though I know everything about the game.. I am NOT much interested in it , untill our team wins :)

    Nice cme back.. I have been waiting 4 u to cme back :D

  43. Dave, everyone wishes they have someone else a few times in their life. When it boils down to it, I'd let you yell at the tv, and probably yell with you, but I'm sure she has her traits, too. I mean you married her. Just look. She has you. Married, kids, house, the whole package. I'm still single and getting in trouble left and right.

    Alkee, we all make certain compromises for the ones care about. Like I mentioned before, I like it when his friends get jealous that he has such a cool chick. It's fun and makes him look good.

    Alicia, thank you! I'm flattered.

    Lucky, I'm ALWAYS accepting new balloons. Ted started the trend by sending me the Cindy Lou Who balloon. Although I can't really remember why it started. Doesn't matter. Yes, Cindy Lou Who is the little girl from the Grinch.

    Warped, I've looked it up. It's not true. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I'm an idiot. Thing is, if you asked me to take my shirt off, I'd probably do it. But if you try to fool me into taking it off, it'll never happen.

    Dyna, thank God I don't like wings. I like the rest of the junk food though. Chips, dip, soda, beer, hot dogs. For some reason I can't force myself to eat meat off of a bone, so wings are a no no unless they're boneless from KFC. Mmmm.

    Monkee, you're welcome. I liked your blog. It was a little nuts but the pictures made me smile. Very creative. About the blog break, nothing to tell, and I won't be writing about it. I'm pretty open on my blog, but some things are better left unsaid. Come back soon, anyway. I love new readers.

    Lurker, I'm not on a break. I just posted this 2 days ago. You don't strike me as a football fan, from the very little bit of exposure I've gotten from you. That really didn't sound right...Do you like football?

    Bruce, yep! Here I am! I wouldn't think you less of a man, but dear lord, why with the women? The only thing more annoying to me than sitting with a bunch of burping, scratching, drunk, screaming men, is sitting with the women, gossiping and bitching. That's why I kick it with the guys. Not saying I don't gossip, just not in groups where there are too many people to know who let the cat out of the bag when it gets out. Because it ALWAYS bets out.

    Veen, they actually put cricket on TV? I don't even think I could fake it with a game like that. There's no jumping up and down, screaming, drinking or partying that go along with it. I honestly think I'd just fall asleep.

  44. This was awesome! I think I am there ... I have done at least 3/4 of what you recommend! I might just be a great at football orgasm fakedom! Hurrah!

  45. I sometimes wish I had the energy and desire to fake it.

  46. Did you get the new balloons that I sent? I tried a few times to send them and they kept bouncing back. The last time I sent them, they didn't. Please let me know ok scg?

  47. its only a game kiddo. relax. if you really got into it instead of faking it you might like it. i always wondered why women would fake any kind of orgasm. it makes the man roll over and go to sleep. why wouldnt you keep him working? my gf tries to say she hasnt had one even after i know shes had a few. dont fake it until you make it kiddo. make it.

  48. Bridget, it really is an art.

    A girl, awww. I know what you mean. Trust me when I say I'm not one of those perpetually perky bitches. We all have our moments.

    Sinead, haven't gotten the new balloons. Maybe you're sending them to the wrong place. simplycuriousgirl at gmail dot com.

    Anon, faking an orgasm is for those times that you don't want to hurt your partner's feelings. Some men don't know what the hell they're doing. Maybe I could lie there and let him poke and prod me for hours until he fell asleep, but I probably still wouldn't have an orgasm. So, sometimes it's best to just fake it and give him the satisfaction of thinking that he made you feel good.

  49. awesome post!i think i should print this stuff and learn all the tips by boyfriends sucha football fanatic that i am FORCED to watch those godforsaken matches.all i knew was gerrard and croutch play for liverpool. but that won't be the case after this post.muhahahaha >:)

  50. Hey there, I love your blog!

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