Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I didn't Escape. I Have a Day pass!

I used to have this really cool boyfriend. When I say cool, I mean, willing to experiment. Not only willing to experiment, but willing to do pretty much what I asked for or needed.

I'm not quite sure what made my our hearts desire this special book I'm about to tell you about, but we ended up with it, anyway. The first page of the book warns that if you're absolutely satisfied in your love life, than then this book wasn't for you. I wish I had known that a little earlier, but since the book was sealed when I bought it, there was no going back.



The book came with a series of sealed envelopes. Half of the envelopes "For Her Eyes Only" and the other half "For His Eyes Only." You're supposed to sit together and pick an envelope every week to later be opened in private. This was you knew at some point during the week, you'd be surprised with some random, romantic, sex act.

My first envelope was called "Fantasies of the Orient" and involved honey and tea. Strictly following the instructions, I made a pot of green tea with a hint of ginseng (supposed to be an aphrodisiac?), draped a black blanket over our futon, and made my boyfriend take off all of his clothes. Acting like I wasn't allowed to utter a word, I pushed him back on to the blanket, poured honey on the inside of his leg, and the proceeded to lick it off. Then I was supposed to put the tea into my mouth and let it hit his skin through my lips as I kissed him. Yes, it's as hard and complicated as it sounds. First I scalded his neck and then I burned the inside of his elbow. Soon my tongue was aching terribly from the near boiling liquid, but since I wasn't allowed to speak, I just quietly sobbed on his stomach as I got sick from too much honey, and I couldn't eat anything for the next two days or so.

We decided it was just a bunk envelope and admittedly, as well as embarrassingly, tried again. The next envelope was called "Treasure Trail" (shut up) and it instructed me to cut out paper outlines of my feet to make a trail from the door to my chosen "hiding place," where I was supposed to "pounce" on my "mate."

Just a quick note: the only time you ever hear hear a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife, described as a "mate" is when you're reading some kind of sex-help book, or listening to Doctor Ruth on the radio. Mate has to be one of the most un-fucking-sexy words. Besides tuna. Well, tuna, and uvula. Those are the three unsexiest words. But the last two are hardly found tucked away neatly in the pages of Cosmo or Playboy, now are they?

While making the little cutouts, the little voice inside of me muttered, What the hell are you doing here? How old are you? I used my special glitter crayons to make the feet sparkle and say funny things. It really does take a long time to trace, cut, and color little cutesy feet to tape all the way from your front door to your hiding spot. Plus the card said I should make them go in and out of several rooms in the house...We had a two bedroom apartment, so I had the feet go into the bathroom, out of the bathroom, into one of the bedrooms (a storage room/office), out of that room, up the wall and around the corner on the ceiling, down into the closet. Just a little Lionel Ritchie in there to get him motivated.


So I'm sitting in the closet, waiting for my dumb, damn darling, boyfriend to get home from work, and I'm thinking, Fuck, I hope he doesn't go out for a drink after work or something. He better just come home on time. I wonder what kind of idiot I look like in here. Ow. Shit. I'm sitting on a high heel. (Maybe I should be wearing these.) I'm thirsty. Maybe I'll just run and grab something to drink. No, no. I can't go out there, because what if he comes home and sees that I'm standing in a trail of my own damn glittery toes? This just isn't sexy. This. Isn't. Even. Cute. This, my friends, was solitary confinement.


He did come home. Late. Of course. And apparently he didn't even notice the new sparkly trail of feet installed on our almost white carpeting. I heard him call out,"Hello? Baby? Where are you?" I didn't know if I was supposed to answer or not. The book didn't leave me instructions for when if he missed the giant clues that were as bright as those flashing arrows that led to strip joints. Shouldn't these special circumstances for stupid special couples such as us, be covered? I heard the refrigerator door open and close. The TV snapped on and the sounds of a basketball game filled the apartment. Unbelievable. He wasn't even going to notice. What if in three or four hours he finally decided to do something about it? What would I do if he called the police to file a missing person report or something, and they came in, followed the purple paper trail, and found me asleep in the closet cradling a tin of Altoids, and an empty bottle of water, wearing nothing but my panties?

I panicked a little, making noises that were a combination of whimpers and shrieks until I heard him get off of the couch. When he finally found me, seven minutes and 37 seconds later, he looked at me with a face that read,"Hello. Did you get lost or something? Do I need to call a psychiatric ward ambulance? Do you still understand English?" Then he smirked and laughed through his nose, before bursting into full-on laughter, and then it hit me that this book was making a complete and utter moron out of me.

His assignment that week focused on kissing. That was fun.

I pulled out my third assignment. I was supposed to make a sex game creating two sets of cards. One with body parts listed on them and the other with verbs. I tried all week, but I just kept wondering what would happen if he pulled the two cards that said "Thrust!" and "Ear!"

I absolutely refused to do my next assignment as well, where I had to "innocently" take him to a miniature golf course (because we put-put all the time?). I was supposed to go to the bathroom, take off my panties, wrap them around the golf ball, and hand them to him. Can you imagine that?!? I'm sure he'd say,"Uh...S, what the hell...?"(in a nice loud tone) And everyone would look up to see my panties on hole nine. Besides, there are fucking kids on these mini golf courses, mostly due to the fact that miniature golf is supposed to be for eight and nine year olds.

The only thing I liked about this book was while planning the fucking ridiculous things, I thought about my boyfriend. I liked thinking that week that there was going to be some kind of special surprise for me. But in general, the two of us could be a hell of a lot more creative than that book, which still sits in my bedroom by the way. Mocking me. Feeling like a dork is a really, really bad way to spice up your sex life. And come on, do you really want me showing my naked ass to innocent children, golfing? Put, put, put.

Happy Valentines Day, kiddies!

Infinite X's and O's,

Simply Curious Girl

65 comments:

  1. mmmmm ... naked golf!

    So what if you weren't wearing any panties? What would you wrap around the ball then?

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  2. God ... you're nuts! It must have been a laugh thought.

    HVD too hun.

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  3. Cool post SC - I know what you mean about too much honey making you feel sick though - it needs to be used sparingly ;-)

    Have a good Valentines Day - hope you're doing ok. x

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  4. I don't know if I could have kept a straight face throughout the whole thing.

    Well, that's not true. I do know that I couldn't have kept a straight face during the whole thing.

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  5. That just proves why no one should ever try anything ever.

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  6. sad part is, I have that book, some of it is weird.

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  7. I think I'd rather want HIS book. I mean, "focus on kissing" vs. "make loads of leetle feet of yours leading to a bunch of no where's until they get to you". . . . Which one seems more fun and less work to you?

    Exactly. The few you gave just seemed like much more work than his. Not that love isn't work, but sex should be work? THAT much work?

    I'm just sayin'.

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  8. Don't they have any cards like, "When he comes home jump on him while naked?" I mean really all they really need is that one card.

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  9. You reminded me that I have to do a post on these games.

    I'm damn near 40, own my own house, and have two kids.

    When you play these games, you get things like:

    "Lie a sheet down and take olive oil and..."

    And we're like:

    Olive oil costs, like, $8 a bottle. Maybe we should use Fluff.

    Fluff won't get washed out of the sheets. Then we're going to get it all over the comforter.

    Nevermind...

    Let's just eat crackers and watch Survivor.

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  10. Very funny post!!

    I got one of those books as a wedding gift when I got married the first time. It lasted about as long as that marriage did.

    But girl!! Why ya hidin' in the closet? Why not a bubble bath with a glass of champagne and some candlelight or romatic music or whatever?!?!

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  11. wayyyyyyyyy to much work. I follow a book called, "sex and the 18th century Husband." basically I just do it quick and fall asleep

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  12. I prefer naked Twister to naked golf!

    Happy Valentine's Day!

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  13. Thats a dangerous game... a very dangerous game.

    I'm going to try it!

    Naked golf sounds a bit odd though.. I don't know if I'd do that.

    xx

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  14. Great post...sounds like you're feeling better. Big D and I have a great sex life, and don't really need any books, but naked golf sounds really fun!!! :o)

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  15. And to Prepo: Naked Twister is just that much more fun with the added element of baby oil! :o)

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  16. Jay, I'm assuming a bra? No fucking idea. They don't really give you any alternatives. Part of the reason I was stuck in the closet for so long.


    Bridget, I don't think I'm nuts...I followed the directions to a T. I didn't write the book. THAT person was nuts.


    Kitty, yuck...honey. Never again. I would've substituted it with something else, but it would've ruined the theme. I don't even like honey.


    Sweets, thanks!


    Mike, like I said, he couldn't either. He found the games all too amusing while I suffered in not so silent, silence. Doesn't quite seem fair.


    Angry Man, where's your sense of adventure? p.s. I miss your old profile picture.


    Malach, really? I've talked to a couple of other people that HONESTLY have it, too. That's awesome.


    Jen, the things labeled "For Him" were so much easier and laid back. Obviously the book was biased.


    Ron, I would do things like before the book.


    Moooog, what the hell is fluff and why on earth would you eat crackers in bed? You enjoy sleeping on sandpaper?

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  17. Woo! This was a great post! I love reading when you write posts like this. I feel like I'm peeking into your bedroom or something. Happy Valentines Day to you too SCG!

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  18. :)) your SO funny. where do you find this stuff and where do you find guys that will actually go along with it? my boyfriend would call me a pervert or completely crazy if i pulled something like this. book or no book! hvd 2 u 2!!!!!!

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  19. White Girl, I doubt he would've found me in there either. Well, maybe after a couple of beers caught up with him and he had to pee really bad. By then my teeth would be chattering, and all the bubbles would be gone. Frostbite sounds painful and sitting in a cold bath for that long sounds like that's what it would give me.


    Ted, you sure that's what makes an 18th century husband? I imagine men from many, many centuries have been that way, not only the 18th.


    Pre Po, I saw a picture that was supposed to be funny once of strip or naked Twister. I actually think it might've been on your blog. After that disturbing image, I never ever want to play that game.


    Elise, I don't know if it can be called dangerous. Risky and stupid, maybe. Don't do the golf thing unless you want to go to jail for indecent exposure to a minor and have to register as a sex offender. Try explaining that to a judge.


    Ann, we also didn't need to spice up our sex lives. Our sex was far from boring, but I thought it sounded like fun. As for the baby oil/naked Twister image, the only response I can think of is, ew...

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  20. Oops Sinead and Lucky. My apologies. Your comments were posted while I was typing responses to the other ones.

    Sinead, glad you liked it. A peek into my bedroom?...naughty girl.


    Lucky, you'd be amazed at how easy it is to convince a guy to do fun things in bed, or out of it for that matter. All men are perverts at heart, and the appreciate a little bit of slutty behavior from time to time. Ask any man.

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  21. All men are perverts at heart, and the appreciate a little bit of slutty behavior from time to time. Ask any man.


    Aye *nods vigorously*

    Very funny post :)

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  22. See? Told you so. I should make a little poll about that on my sidebar instead of who you're all voting for for president. Seems to be a more exciting subject to vote on.

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  23. SCG:
    My profile pic disappeared from the web. It be gone.

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  24. OMW!!

    I haven't lolled so much in ages!!

    Just fabulous!!

    B

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  25. and happy love day to you too scg!!!

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  26. okay, scg, that counts as a double-inhalation-required post in terms of a giggle induced asthma attack!
    i have not laughed at a post like that in a while.
    bucking frilliant!!!!!

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  27. Now now, it's ok...the most important thing here is that you tried your best and that is all that counts. :) Did that make you feel better?

    We have run across a few of those books in our marriage that look "oh so fun" and turn out to be "oh so not fun." Honestly, like you, we could do a much better job of being creative.

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  28. HA! Each time I sat here thinking, "Oh, this could be cool!" and then BAM! Not cool. It was like reading a freaking classic sitcom script! xoxox

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  29. Angry Man, if I can find that image on the web somewhere, you'll change it back? You can't even see the one you have up. Or...what if I find you another really good, angry man?


    Beacuseican, always happy to put a smile on a new reader's face. Welcome, and come back soon!


    Angel, happiest of happy love days to you, hun. Of course it's not really Valentine's Day anymore but every single daya should be love day, right? You and that inhaler. You're so silly.


    Malicious intent, was that really supposed to make me feel better? I think some of the games could've been fun if they weren't so strict on rules. I just don't work well under so much pressure. Does anyone?


    Dyna, I really thought the same thing. Like told malicious, over there, some of them really did seem like they could work out AND be a lot of fun. But of course, these things never work out that way.

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  30. Hey there, just checking in to see how your doing? Hopefully well.

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  31. Well I think you might be having a (hopefully) enjoyable president's day weekend. (As long as it doesn't involve much reading;, dorking out, or mini-golf. Great post btw......and I think i've been away from your creative style of free form writing way too long. Hope you're feeling and doing well.

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  32. Ron, I'm doing better, here and there. Thanks for being so concerned and checking in so often.


    Dave, it was nothing spectacular. I spent a lot of time watching movies and curled up, sleeping. Thanks for checking in. Like I told Ron, I'm doing better, on and off, here and there, but at least I've been getting some relief.

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  33. The lesson is, never buy any book that is shrinkwrapped unless you can look at an opened copy...

    That, and I will never go to a miniature golf course again.

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  34. ooooo too hot I burnt my hands! ;-)

    Keshi.

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  35. New here... are those your panties?

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  36. At least the book only involved stupid actions and not anyone pulling a muscle trying to twist into a random shape.

    that said, happy belated valentines day!

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  37. Keshi, no idea what turned you on. There was no sex in my post. Maybe the idea of it? Get your hands outta there if they're getting too hot. Shame on you.


    Jahooni, I'll leave that up to your imagination. I always welcome new readers. Come back anytime!


    Bumble, that was kama sutra. We tried that book afterwards, and it was a lot more fun. A little strenuous, but well worth it when we got to the end result. Happy Belated Valentine's Day to you, too!

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  38. Oh my god. This was sooo funny. Don't mean to laugh at you, though. *giggle*

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  39. Solitaire, sounded more like you were laughing with me. Wait. I wasn't laughing. Stop that.

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  40. A romantic candle-lit dinner out or a bubble bath, together with some lovely chilled white wine would be my cup of tea.
    How was your Valentine's Day?

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  41. cool post. and it wasn't the underwear that drew in globus, it was the mention of honey and sex, honest.

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  42. Me done read a sex book for couples who enjoy combining the act of love and home repair.

    Me liked the idea of being able to have a second use fer the power tools, but were dissapointed when me found out that me were being replaced by them

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  43. Justin, I enjoy those things as much as the next romantic. Every once in awhile, though, I do enjoy something a little more exciting and exotic. Valentine's Day was pretty much uneventful, here. Not much happened. I have no real 'special someone' in my life right now, so I had no one to spend the day with. I would've liked to have been spoiled.


    Globus, don't try it. It's sticky, messy, and will give you a terrible tummy ache if it's not used in moderation.


    Scary Monster, long time no see! Any woman that completely replaces her man for power tools doesn't know what she's missing. They can be fun, but I would never replace the real deal. I'm all for throwing a couple of them into the mix though, from time to time, to liven up the situation.

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  44. Colonel, I am SO sorry. I just realized I skipped your comment! I rarely do that. Forgive me?

    Never go to miniature golf again? You mean you would actually MIND seeing a twenty-something bent over, looking for golf balls with no panties on? I don't believe you.

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  45. haha yes! but Im easily turned on..by pics like that ;-)

    Keshi.

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  46. If you're that easily amused by the photo, you should've seen it *before* I cropped it.

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  47. Im glad abt that SC...cos I'd hv taken a day off for a 24hr cold shower then!

    Keshi.

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  48. Hot showers are so much more comfortable...

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  49. Simply curious and Keshi in a hotel room together? now that is something i wouldn't mind reading about. pictures please.

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  50. I am firmly convinced the most intense moments are at the far ends of the spectrum.

    Happy belated VD.

    Cheers

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  51. i still don't think i could get him to do things like that. he'd probably get all offended for me even asking him.

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  52. I am so glad that I found your blog... I am looking forward to reading more!

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  53. GREAT BLOG!!

    Popping over from Doc & Mt Cats place, I have to tell you that your description of Lindsay Lohan (twat) is SPOT ON!

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  56. seems like i know a few people around here!

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  57. Alex, who two?


    Lurker, you'd have to ask Keshi. But considering that fast that she lives all the way around the world, it might prove to be a little difficult.


    Noc, back at ya.


    Lucky, well, if you're thorougly convinced that he'd spazz out entirely, I wouldn't give it a go, The last thing I need on my conscience is breaking up a happy little couple. If you really want to spice things up a little bit, try something a little more subtle. Like, um, a good blow job?


    William, 5$ please.


    Doc, there are plenty of archives. Go catch up. I probably won't be writing a new post for another week or so. Welcome!


    Leighann, and welcome to you, too. Yeah. Lindsay earned that nickname ages ago when she was in one of her teen movies. She's always gotten on my nerves. The only movie I liked that she was in was, Mean Girls. But I was just a teen, myself when it came out, so it's not really my fault entirely.


    Jahooni, What exactly is a Jahooni, anyway? When I Googled it, all I got were hits for your blog. I didn't have the patience to keep looking.

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  58. jahooni is a nickname that my sister gave to me. it's all mine. i should trade mark it.
    i googled curious girl and got jahooni, go figure!

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  59. :) yes.

    btw SC, read my reply to ya in my yday's post ;-)

    Keshi.

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  60. Mountain Cat, you're welcome. :)


    Jahooni, you made me curious, so I Googled Simply Curious Girl, and I got a whole bunch of stuff. I had no idea my page was mentioned in so many places. It's pretty cool. How did she come up with Jahooni; or do you even know?


    Keshi, I did and answered there.

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  61. God, completely Hilarious!!!!!

    hehehe! I guess you will never try them out again ;)

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