Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Not a Fucking Chance in Hell

Ever watch late night tv? I end up watching the shit, all the time. Well, not all the time, but often enough. I'm one of those people fortunate enough to be plagued with insomnia if I don't get sex before bed. Since I haven't had sex before bed in AGES, and I probably won't have sex before bed for quite awhile, I have this strange feeling I'm going to remain an insomniac. This isn't going to some whiny post about how tired I am, getting u at 5:30 every morning when I don't get to sleep until close to 3:00. Shutup. It's also not going to be a post about not taking Ambien anymore, because it's been proven to cause memory loss and I'm too young to start looking for my long lost dead dog from childhood. In the woods. In the middle of the night. In my underwear... Uch. Shake it off.... This post is going to be about the shit, yes, shit, that they put on late night tv, last night. Last night, I was watching tv, at about 2:00 am when I was almost asleep. Almost... And then I saw it. This invention... This stupid. *blink* Silent invention.

So, don't ask me why I was watching it to begin with... But... Uh... I was. I don't particularly remember what the show I was watching initially was about, but there came a point in the show where they began to discuss the advances of bathroom commodities. I swear I wanted to switch this shit of immediately, just being tortured by the idea! Not only that, I also had to take a few deep breaths and vowed, “I will never let this happen to my bathroom!” What was it you wonder? It was the advent of a silent bathroom ventilation fan. I mean, what the flying fuck? Why would anyone in their right state of mind want to do that? OK, I understand some fans are way too loud, but for the most part they aren’t. However, the pivotal question is why do I like them?

Though there are many reasons, but the first and foremost of them all is that the vent fan gives you that aural veil of privacy. It may not be required as much at your own place, but when you are visiting someone else’s house it's surely a weapon of choice. Before you go “Ewwwww! Why is fuck is this crazy bitch mentioning all this?” Let me clarify that I am not really concerned with what you have to do once you close the door, rather what someone on the other side of the door might try to do. I am not just talking about those shit head little kids, but adults too!
Some... Hmph... more like A LOT! - people love to find out what you were doing in the privacy of that little 4-by-6 room. You know, when you come out they invariably ask:

“Oh, you had to go pee, eh?”
“That milk not settling well with you...?”
“Took you a long enough time to brush. Sure that's all you were doing?”
"Use enough water?”
"I hope you used the air freshener, girl... ”

Assuming that you went (ahem), even though the real reason may be that you just wanted to find some reprieve from this demonic idiot that you're regretting spending your time with to begin with!

I mean, don’t these people have ‘better’ things to do than to find out what a person went to the fucking bathroom for? On top of that, some of these furtado people will go as far as ‘casually’ eavesdropping on you while you go about doing your business in there. OK. So that hasn't happened more than once, but still, people can be fucking weird!

Well, while you can’t really stop these dingos from asking all those questions (albeit there are a bajillion comebacks that one can practice on them - Heee yaa!), their eavesdropping portion can surely be neutralized by turning on none other than TA-DA! ‘The (not fucking silent) Ventilation Fan!’ Ah Ha! I bet it’s annoying as hell to these intrusive druids when they sneak up next to the door only to hear –

A Burrrrrrrrrrr here
And a Burrrrrrrrrrr Burrrrrrrrrrr there
Here a Burrrrrrrrrrr
There a Burrrrrrrrrrr
Everywhere a Burrrrrrrrrrr Burrrrrrrrrrr

With the friendly neighborhood ventilation fan, you can rest assured that you have freedom of expression. Not only that, you can hone your all important singing capabilities in the hot hot shower for your all important soon-to-be-unleashed Best-Rock-Star-of-All-Time career, American Idol tryouts, singing to Paula, Randy and Simon, without any dumb nut singing along on the other side of the fucking partition. After all, who needs a back up singer when you ‘magically’ acquire the capability to sing for both in the shower?


And of course, how in the WORLD can I forget the synchronized dance number you have been practicing for the video of your number 1 single? Yep, the one that’ll remain on top of the VH1, MTV AND 'Top of the Pops' charts for 20 consecutive weeks? I mean, you don’t want the audial-tom to giggle his/her butt off when you accidentally slip in the bathtub while pulling those unbelievable moves, do you? Ummmm... No!

So faithful readers and others that I don't know but still should benefit from this important piece of information, I suggest that we boycott this new totally worthless invention known to every day dreamers as the ‘noiseless ventilation fan’ and continue to ignore it (it’s expensive as shit anyway) to keep the boat of the loud-ass, audible ventilation fan afloat!

22 comments:

  1. I should invent a vent fan that makes loud fart noises. Imagine the security of knowing you can blast turd bullets without anyone knowing if it's you or that noisy farting vent! I will be a millionaire I tell you!! Glad to have you back SCG, I missed you.

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  2. You're back and you're feisty! I love it!

    We have a friend that comes over quite a bit. Every time he comes over to the house, he ends up spending some quality time in our bathroom. Big D says he's going to start charging him for TP pretty soon! I can't imagine eavesdropping on anyone in the bathroom! WTF?

    Keep the great posts coming, S!

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  3. wow... you guys have fans in your homes? thats SO not the norm in south africa- i think there's an untapped market here!

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  4. Eavesdropping on the bathroom? Like mama said WTF? I am half deaf so that thought would never occour to me anyway. As for hearing someone listening to me...well same problem. Our friend who comes over isn't going to be charged for the TP.
    However, I think I might charge him for new wallpaper which has really started fading since he started showing up. Oh and of course a Rental fee for my books he always takes in there. Dammit..It's MY library!.

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  5. I don't give a shit if somebody wants to listen to me..................

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  6. They are missing the boat on this one. We will pay for a louder fan. I want the vacuum to stand my hair up on end- I want to wear the yellow head phones that the airline baggage guys wear.

    Sorry about the lack of sleep- I think it gets better a little while after you are off Ambien.

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  7. Im out of town for the weekend, but I promise everyone that Ill answer comments as soon as I get home. Smile! -SCG

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  8. I need the loud fan to mask the sound of my farts.

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  9. When I can't sleep I watch the info commercials for the Total Gym.
    Chuck Norris & Christie Brinkley give me wonderful dreams.

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  10. That's why I love bathroom sinks. Not only can you piss in them (well, maybe not you), but you can turn the water on full and get a nice white noise as well as some fartastic gas absorption by the running water.

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  11. no sex before bed? come on! your fucking hot. go get some!

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  12. I've only watched late night tv once in my life (in a state sober enough to remember it later, that is) and it sure was rather... different. There was some sort of a competition when people were supposed to call there and say numbers. Whoever got the closest to the number a yawning chick won, she'd announce how exciting that was with a blank stare, probably thinking of her warm bed back at her place... These shows are made for making you fall asleep, there's no other explanation...

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  13. Late night TV can be great though - you might get to see something like this happen:

    Swedish TV Host

    And anonymous is right ;-)

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  14. SG, Nice to see you posting.

    Just read the "starting over" post. Great stuff. Very insightful about always starting over. . . at least always growing and changing resulting in restarts.

    Hope you are doing well.

    SH

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  15. Ack... Sorry for making everyone wait for answers to your comments. I know I'm a bad blogger and I don't keep up with my blog as I probably should, but I've been so BUSY lately, you all have no idea! OK. Here goes.


    Ron, I think that item sounds like something only men would buy, haha.


    Nicey, there there.


    Ann, raaawwwrr, feisty! Haha. I think the eavesdropping thing would be something done more at slumber parties to make fun of the girl that ate a little too much pizza. But come on, once you get out of those pre-teen years, can you imagine? Nope... Me either. My advice on the toilet paper issue, is to just empty the roll before he comes in. You'll hear him screaming for a napkin and make sure your music is just a little too loud to hear him. :)


    Malach, I sat and tried to come up with an answer to your comment but it was pretty much impossible, so, uh, this is all you're getting.


    Angel, I'd love to visit south africa one of these days. I'm bringing my own fan though, kay?


    Big Daddy, like I said to mama, hide the toilet paper. Then again, he might start using the pages of your books and magazines. I'd be pretty fucking pissed if I got to the middle of a book and there was a few pages missing.


    Gluggy, ah, but you do!


    Misplaced, I had insomnia before I was on Ambien, which was why I was taking it to begin with, haha. I was fully expecting you to say you wanted the effect that the guy got in that Memorex commercial. Then again, I hardly think it would be fun to have to hold on so you're not blown off the toilet while you're taking care of business.


    Dyna, and why am I not all that surprised?


    C.Rag, I can never it through a whole infomercial. The home gym ones just piss me off because I don't look like that. Not fair!


    Hungry Mother, Who says I can't piss in sinks?


    Anonymous, I'm picky, and sex with myself doesn't count. ;)


    Bitter, sounds almost like a telethon. I can't figure out what the hell you're trying to explain.. That's what you get for being sober.


    Red, that clip was fucking awesome. I never see shit like that. How unfair is life? :(


    SH, thanks a bunch. :)

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  16. A BIG-ASS NOISY EAR-SHATTERING FAN!

    That is what I need.
    Definitely.

    And I agree with Angel.
    We need stuff like that here.
    I have some friends who fit that "listening at the door" description.


    *Nudge*
    If you do come to South Africa, you better come visit me too.

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  17. Adult Swim is the only thing I watch after 12am. Ha.

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  18. fucking hilarious. my best friend doesn't have a fan in one of her bathrooms and it pisses the hell out of me every time i use it.

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  19. Hey Sweetie, I thouhgt I would see if I could weave
    a bunch of my readers into a story and yet not make it too obvious. And of course I had to put you in there after all you are still one of my Favorites:]
    Big D

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  20. I'm with you in this boycott thing against silent fan... not only they should be loud, but they have to start right after opening the door. Sometimes you don't realize of the sound effect of what you're doing until it's too late, and then you don't reach the key to turn it on from where you sit... Another tactic is to open the shower, but that takes too much water and unfortunately it's not a renewable source

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