Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Fatal Attraction

Before you decide if you're in love with someone, it's extremely important to know if you're pursuing said person, or merely stalking them. One of these options is all charming, and makes your tummy flutter, while the other is pretty scary, and makes your tummy drop to that lower part of your spine reserved solely for your kidneys.




Now there is definitely a fine line... Some might consider Romeo a stalker, and he sure has hell had some stalkeresque qualities, but there was a mutual attraction there, and sometimes, that's the bottom line. If the love/lust, goes both ways, dive right in and go for it. If it doesn't, it might be time to reevaluate the way you approach your love, and decide if you've passed the dreamy boundary right into the creepy zone.

A checklist, If you will:

THE PHONE

The lover calls you to find out how your day went. He called to make sure your dentist appointment went OK. To see if you got the little note he slipped you. He calls to tell you that he misses you and thought about you during the day, and uh, by-the-way-have-you-lost-weight?

The stalker calls to find out if you saw him watching you today. He calls to find out why you didn't TELL him you had a dentist appointment and why you didn't ask for his opinion on a good dentist because he knows an excellent one and that's why you should marry him and have his babies...he calls to ask if you got the 5 letters that he left for you and the four he gave to your sister to give to you and the other three that he put on your windshield and the one that he left in your coat pocket...(how the hell did he get a note in your coat pocket?), he calls to tell you that he misses you and thought about you during the day, and uh, by-the-way-are-we-losing-each-other?

YOUR EMAIL

A lover sends you an email to say hi, honey. Miss you. On my way to the store? Need anything? love ya. xoxo

The stalker sends you an email to say, HI HONEY, MISS YOU!!! :( On my way to the bridge...will you stop me? I LOVE YOU!! XOXOXOXOXO!!!!!

THE MUSIC

The lover sends you music and will occasionally write you a song or two that's pretty awful, but you love it regardless...because you can hear his voice wobble just a little when he gets to the part about sleeping warm and nestled in your arms.

The stalker will compose hand-written lyrics and tape them to your front door...some that he made up and others he scraped together from somewhere else. He'll write you songs, too, and you hear his voice wobble a little bit too, when he gets to the part about breathing in your last breath...

The lover's music selections for you are probably going to be "Everlong" by Foo Fighters, "So Happy Together by The Turtles and Crazy for You by Madonna.

The stalker's selection will be: No one Else by Weezer, Walking after you, by Foo Fighters, and Right here Waiting by Richard Marx.


YOUR FAMILY

The Lover is genuinely interested in your family and is nice and respectful when he meets them. They ask about him when he's not around and ask how he's doing.

The stalker is interested in an invitation to the next family picnic or reunion. They ask about when said person is talking them to Six Flags again.

THE DOORBELL

The lover: One ring

The stalker: Thirteen. Just to make sure you hear him.


YOUR EXES

The lover puffs up just a bit around exes, and makes sure that it's known that he's the head man in town. He threatens (but only in private) that he should kick their asses for what they did to you in the past.

The stalker kills ex and leaves his rotten carcass lying on your front porch like a cat leaves its kill. He's sitting next to him, all puffed up, looks up with bulging (but loving) eyes, and says,"Who wants a picnic?"


THE NICKNAMES

The lover calls you "Honey," "Sweetie," "Baby." or "Cutie."

The stalker calls you "Eternal Love," "Princess of my Underworld," "Master of my Dementia," or my personal favorite "Miss-Never-Call-Me-Back."


THEIR EXES

The lover refers to his ex-girlfriends as "Her," "The last one," or most of the time sometimes even "bitch."

The stalker refers to his ex-girlfriend(s) as "The one that got away," "The girl from Canada," or "Little Miss Runs Real Fast."



Please people. Don't be stalkers. Please. Don't encourage stalkers. If you stand outside the door and go,"I fucking mean it! Stop it! I'm gonna tell my new boyfriend and he'll be really, really mad....did I mention I'm gay?"(that's encouragement) Just tell him to scram then ignore him...trust me. They'll keep coming back just at the slightest touch of weakness. If you even look like you could be softening up because you feel bad for him and/or, you secretly kind of like the attention, you're only getting what you deserve.

Love is a very beautiful thing, and if done properly, the wooing process is the stuff that the best stories are made of. Stalker stories are only fun to tell during late night sleep overs, cookie dough sessions, campfires, or to get some guy to get the stalker off of your back.

Now, Simply Curious Girl, you ask, what on earth prompted this story? I'll tell you. Not that I haven't had my fair share of stalkers, because believe me...I have, but I watched the stupid, silly-ass movie, Play Misty for Me, last night, and I swear Clint Eastwood should've seen that bitch's stalkin' ass coming a mile away, and I don't want to perpetuate that kind of behavior.

37 comments:

  1. if i had a qurter for every guy that i dated that fit the stalker profile i'd be rich! or dead. wait thats didnt make sense i think lol im sorry to me its still paddys day

    i hope this dont have nothin to do with ur new love

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  2. If for stalker, we substitute 'control freak' I can say I've been there, done that ... and I'm never, ever doing it again.

    Take care. x

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  3. Wow, that was a pretty creepy one!

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  4. Clint can do no wrong. No wrong!

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  5. I agree w/the Rag, Clint is the man. That was a pretty good movie, especially given it was the first flick he directed.

    Also, if he's willing to your exes, wouldn't that endear him to you?

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  6. Great list.

    I think Hillary Clinton may be stalking me. Before we voted here she called me eight times on the telephone, and she keeps sending me stuff in the mail.

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  7. Ummm... OK so I'm trying to take notes here.... Stalking was the bad one? right? What if I just happen to like "Master of my Dementia" as a pet name, is that wrong? Why don't you call me anymore? I slipped into your apartment and the phones are still working so it can't be that... Oh I sent you a couple hundred emails to you last night and copied your sister on them in case you head over there later...

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  8. OK. I kept a score and think I'm safe. I'm definately not stalker material. Hope Angel agrees!

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  9. Lucky, I sincerely hope you're sleeping it off... I don't think I've ever seen you quite so incoherent.


    Kitty, I suppose control freak can be pretty hard to handle, too. A control freak isn't quite a stalker, though. The control freak will leave if you break up. The stalker is not only controlling, but almost impossible to get rid of.


    Scott? What was creepy? The post? *confused*


    C.Rag, Clint handles his shit better than anyone else. There were two actors that intimidated me, growing up. Clint Eastwood and that guy from Unsolved Mysteries. The difference was, I liked watching Clint's movies.


    Angryman, I have to agree. The movie wasn't bad, and I enjoyed it. I suppose I tend to say things are silly and stupid because I'm embarrassed that I really have yet to find anything that I hated. I enjoy all kinds of movies and books. As for killing my ex, I suppose it might endear him to me if he didn't drop the body on my doorstep and get me arrested with him. He could've just buried the body somewhere where no one would find it.


    Colonel, OMG! I have the same problem with this chick named VISA! I get mail from her every single day, and without fail she calls and calls and calls. It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to answer the home phone!


    Ron, aw man, that was you? I sincerely apologize for setting that bear trap...Listen if it's still stuck on your foot, I think you should bite the bullet and go to the emergency room.


    Glugter, the major point here si that if the feelings are mutual a person doesn't feel like they're being stalked. If you're in love with someone and they slip notes under your door or call you 20 times a day, you love it. Your face lights up like Christmas morning when you see their name on your phone's caller ID or in your Email Inbox. But when it's not mutual, it makes you crazy and you want it to stop. The problem with stalkers is that they don't understand that the other person just doesn't and won't feel the same way. So they keep pushing it and trying to make something happen that obviously, won't. Imagine if Angel didn't have feelings for you and you kept doing all the sweet nothing's that you do. No doubt in my mind. You'd be a stalker.

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  10. Holy shit, I laughed through the whole post. Favorite part? The exes. Great post!

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  11. Hysterical post! And true - I've had a creepy stalker before!

    Also - LOVE the movie Play Misty For Me...and I agree...Clint should've seen her a mile away! :)

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  12. Tombo, the scary part is, it's actually mostly true.


    Ann, I think everyone, both male and female, alike have had stalkers before. Like I said above to Angry Man, I liked the movie too. I like pretty much all movies. All men are blinded by women. Women usually see stalkers coming faster than men do. Call it women's intuition, but when a guy starts saving locks of my hair, I find it just a little disturbing.

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  13. This was hilarious and a pure joy to read. This coming from a chic who had a fo real stalker for 4 years of her life. But that's another story.

    Loved the cat leaving its kill analogy. *snort*

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  14. fantabulous post as always dahlink...

    and to quote a fellow blogger who also happens to be newly in love and NOT stalking or being stalked

    "...the best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other..."

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  15. I was stalked by a opossum once, I think, does that count?

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  16. Random, 4 years? You broke one of the cardinal rules and didn't ignore!!


    Angel, I don't think I really understand that quote. I've read it. Reread it a few times, and still just didn't really understand. I'd blame lack of sleep but I took an amazing nap today...I really just don't get the relevance?


    Malach, was it an ex? It might...

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  17. the list thats sad but true. maybe a little bit exaggerated but still pretty factual. there are also the extremely needy people and controlling people like kitty mentioned. sometimes controlling and needy can make an excellent match. a lot of the times opposites make the best partners. you know what they say, Scg, opposites attract. i hope this post has nothing to do with the new interest in your life right now.

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  18. S, honey, I very rarely leave you comments and I know you hate it but if you don't answer your phone I'm going to climb up that mountain and kidnap you. I'm getting worried. I happen to know you're a very special person. I also happen to know that you're a very shy, sensitive person in your real day-to-day life. When I say I'm worried, it's because I know you can withdraw and hide if something is wrong. So, Sissy, you had better call me by tonight, or I'm driving down there and tickling it out of you.

    •*´¯`*•.¸You-Know-Who•*´¯`*•.¸

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  19. Men are animals and women love it.

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  20. The nicknames sent me over the edge. You crack me up. I don't do stalkers. I tend do the co-dependent thing instead.

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  21. Sheesh. How many times must I apologize? You borrow money for parole one time and she never lets you forget it...

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  22. Look out your window. Can you see me? I'm waving. Answer your phone so I can whisper "Play Misty for Me."

    Sorry. Just kidding.

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  23. Okay fine, I'll stop stalking you but did you have to tell me to stop in such a public fashion?

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  24. Alex, I don't think I could ever handle someone totally my opposite. I might do my makeup and wear cute little clothes, but I'm a total dork. Trust me when I say that most men are completely turned off by how weird I am.


    Lu, since I'm sitting at your computer right now, typing the answer to your comment, I think you win. At least this time.


    LG, Animals are all fun and nice, but when it comes down to it, I just need a man.


    Triple A, right on, haha. You and me both, sista!


    Anon, I'll forget about it when you get your sleping bag off of my lawn and pay me back already.


    Bruce, you are an evil, evil, little man. RRRRAAAAAARRRWWW


    Mike, it seems like the other methods of communication just weren't working. Wait a minute, maybe that's your sleeping back out back...could be. Now it looks like you owe me a little back pay in rent, if that be the case,


    Hopefully all of these comments are coherant

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  25. The doorbell example hit home for me. One girl I dated didn't think I answered the door fast enough for her and thought I might be hiding someone in the apartment I was living in. She would ring the doorbell at least a dozen times and sort creep around the place after I let her in looking for something or someone. At the time I was working third shift and the only thing I was doing was trying to sleep. She thankfully found some other guy and disappeared in the local woodwork.

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  26. This is one of them posts where you start off laughing 'cause it's so damned funny, but you end up scratchin your head and saying to yourself, "Um, yeah, right. That is kinda creepy."

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  27. My Landlady said my SpermDonor is her stalker.

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  28. just because I carved a bust of your ass out of 100 cans of deviled ham and left it on your door step does not make me a stalker! can't a man make statues of people's body parts out of processed lunch meats and give them people without being branded a stalker?

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  29. I'm kind of new to the whole blogging scene but I found your a few days ago and haven't commented yet.
    Over the period of two days I've managed to work through all of your archives.
    I enjoy your writing and see much more to you than meets the eye.
    I'm completely addicted and keep checking back to see if you've written something else lol.
    Looking forward to more of you because this post was frickin hilarious!

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  30. Hahahah!

    I laughed out loud at the emails and the song choices. xx

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  31. Girl, you may have just saved my relationship. I am turning the car around and traveling in the direction away from the bridge. I couldn't help referring the dentist, though. ;)

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  32. I promise that I'll answer all of the comments before I post tomorrow. Thanks everyone for being so patient and faithful in the time that I've been completely neglecting my blog and my readers. Life can be hectic from time to time and I'm sure you understand. Smooches!

    SiMpLy CuRiOuS gIrL

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  33. Beach bum, I can't say that I, personally had the doorbell experience, but I do know people that have. Sounds to me like you had more of a needy person. Needy people jump at the chance for affection and thrive on it, so once you give it to this type of person, it's extremely hard to get rid of them. Well, that is, until they find someone else that gives them an equal amount. Then, *POOF* they're just gone. On to bigger and usually not better, things. It's a good thing you never gave the chick a key.


    NYD, good point there..like other people have commented, it's a funny way of putting something pretty damn scary. Beware. Never read my blog after dark or say "simply curious girl" 10 times in the mirror, or it's likely I'll pop out of said mirror and do something extremely crazy.


    Ginger, your landlady would probably be correct.


    Ted, I wonder how hard it was to keep a straight face while you wrote that. Ham? Haha!


    Anon thank you very much. I'm flattered! Then again, leaving me a comment like this on a stalker post? Probably better left until the next one. I'm only kidding. In all seriousness, thank you. That means a lot to me.


    NYD, I'm disappointed in you. Extremely. You've never seen Short Circuit?


    Elise, laughing is always a good thing. It helps heal the soul kind of like chicken soup helps heal a cold.


    Dyna, so you're a crazy bitch, too? Yay!!! Oh, and on another note for you; you need to get a move on and add me to the list of approved readers for your blog.

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  34. i like to stalk

    google me

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  35. Dear Miss Never Calls Me Back:

    Why don't you answer my letters? I've left, like, twenty of them on your car or in your mailbox but you never seem to respond. I'm sure you're busy, that's all. But who was that dude you had over last night? I mean, here I go for a walk and three hours later I just happen to be standing in the bushes outside your bedroom when I saw you two enter. I know you love me too much for that to have been someone you're sleeping with. God I don't think I could handle it if you cheated on me and...
    ---

    Oh my god, I'm creeping myself out here. Now I guess I can never offer to buy you the beverage of your choice when I'm in California again. F'ing bipolar disorder.

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  36. Stalking is not sexy behavior at all.

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