Thursday, March 27, 2008

Get on your knees baby and....pray?

I have a cousin that's going into her eighth month of pregnancy. Before you start bitching and moaning, no. This is not another anti-pregnancy post...I saw her the other night and made a comment on how absolutely beautiful her hair had become. She then informed me that when you get pregnant, the hormone that makes your hair fall out (we all lose 100 strands a day, or so) stops being produced, so you simply stop losing your hair. Seriously, she has, in turn, this crazy-thick, gorgeous, stunning, awesome and shiny hair! The catch? Of course there's a catch... After the baby is born, a woman loses her hair FOUR TIMES FASTER than she used to. FOUR TIMES! Babies steal your hair. That's fucked up.

When I was in New York, I stopped with a friend of mine to see the inside of the old St. Patrick's Cathedral. While we were there, I decided that I wanted to light a candle.. After we left, I told my friend about my bright idea, and we ended up going to another, rather large church with stunning architecture. Nothing like St. Patrick's but that's beside the point.

When we first entered, I thought we were the only ones inside until I saw a nun praying close to the front of the church. I saw the prayer candles that I was there looking for, but I had to take a different entrance to get to them. I went back out and back in the other door. It was extremely dark and kind of eerie in the corner by the candles... I hadn't done this since I was a little kid, so I was a little bit nervous. I dropped my backpack and read the sign on the wall. "PRAYERS 25¢." There was something else that cost a dollar, but the fact that I had to pay a toll at first had really thrown me off. I dug inside my pockets, found no change, and ended up going into my backpack. Still no quarter, so I ended up pulling out a dollar, and figured I'd light 4. I mean, hey, I guess candles are pretty cool and they're sure fun to light. (No. I'm not a pyromaniac or anything... I just like lighting fires... which is technically the definition of a pyromaniac, but I don't enjoy it enough to burn houses down...whatever...shut up.) I folded up my dollar and put it into the little slot opening at the top of the box, and began looking around. I looked around for matches, a lighter, torches? Anything? Nothing. Then I spotted the other sign which in much smaller print, read "PUSH BUTTON ON TOP."

Blink. I rubbed my eyes. Double blink.

The Candles were light bulbs.

I ran back out as quickly as my short little legs would carry me and I found my friend. "You're not going to believe this," I said to her. I then proceeded to point to the candle display. "Nah, come on. There must be matches and real candles around here, somewhere," she said, squatting and then standing on her very tippy toes and peering around like it was going to change her view or the fact that there were no candles anywhere in the whole fucking place... "I mean, how else are you supposed to light the candle?"

I held out one finger, placed it above the candle and pushed the little red button.

"POP!" The little light came on.

"It's like a game of Trouble," I said.

"Weird!" (she giggled.)

"I know..." (I wasn't giggling.)

"I've never seen anything like that. It's seriously not normally like that." (she giggled again, almost uncontrollably.)

"I don't believe you." (me. still not giggling.)

Out in the foyer, which I'm pretty sure has an entirely different name when it's a church foyer, we read the information painted on the walls. According to the history of the church, it has already burned down. Twice. I guess they just weren't taking any more chances.

"Well, damn, S. Why didn't you light a candle while we were at the huge St. Patrick's Cathedral?" my friend asked, while still smirking and giggling, unable to control it anymore, so it had actually, by this point progressed to full-on laughing by this point...

"I didn't know I could." (at this point my lip is out about as far as a pouty lip can go.)

Who's in charge here, anyway?" (I swear I wasn't drunk.) I saw the nun standing up from her prayers and I slowly walked over to her waiting for her to pull a yardstick out from under that gown and smack my knuckles with it, "Sister? Um..ehhm...uhh..."

"Yes? Do you need help with something?" the nun asked.

"Well, uhmm.. yes. I do."

"How can I be of assistance?"

"Who's in charge here?" (I should note my friend in now sitting in a pew, with her face so buried in her hands becase she just can't hold it in anymore, at all.)

The nun raises her hands, smiles and before I say it, I can bet, you guy know what's coming. "HE" is in charge. This is "HIS" house."

(fuck. see? I knew I needed an invitation..)

I'm looking around for this "HE" and I said, "well...where is he?" I swear at the time I thought that she meant a Monsignor or something.

"HE" is everywhere.

"Kay, time to go..."

Sometimes, my lack of religious knowledge is kind of embarrassing. I did go to catholic school growing up, and my grandmother is absolutely devout. I, on the other hand, am not. I almost figured I was going to have a problem going into that church without someone that was actually from it or some kind of a formal invitation. I didn't want to get thrown out or unintentionally disrupt anything. My aunt tells a story about getting in trouble for taking communion before she was old enough. I know there are tons of rules. I just didn't want to be disrespectful.

But come on...dropping a quarter into a box and then pushing a fucking button? For some reason, that just doesn't quite seem like the right way to pay respects or send off some kind of "prayer." So Dad, I know there's no one relaying messages to you or anything but you should know that you were thought of and to prove it, there's a church somewhere with little light bulbs lit, just for you.

Ahh how I love the sweet bliss of ignorance...

SiMpLy CuRiOuS gIrL


  1. I've been telling Wifey that pregnancy is a lot like a virus . . .

  2. SCG
    Ummm... I'm very anti organized religion. I sort of feel that the individual has as much of a connection with any higher power as some guy in a robe in some building. So what I'm getting down to is you can light a candle and send a prayer from your house just as easy as in a chathedral the prayer will get there just as fast. And really it's the thought that counts not the process through which you do it. have a nice day. Ronstoppable Out...

  3. What a disappointment. That takes away the magic of the whole thing. *sigh* Can you blame them though? Burned down twice?

  4. Angry man, I believe it. Nausea, aches and pains, cramps, and then the fun of the actual labor. Sounds like one long, really bad flu.

    Ronstoppable, it was more of a fun thing to do since I really do like lighting candles. I can't say that I'm all that big on prayer, but I don't want to offend anyone or cause controversy, so I think I'll leave my personal beliefs out of this. I think you should change your blog name to 'The voice of Ron Stoppable." Gonna give it some thought?

    Random Moments, exactly! I'm even annoyed by fake candles that really look like the real thing. My Mom bought this Glade air freshener thing that goes in a glass holder and flickers like a candle. That's almost excusable, but still doesn't quite pass in my book. Candles, themselves, are extremely magical. They always make me feel good. Sometimes I light a few candles, run a really hot bubble bath and just sit and listen to music in there until the water turns cold or I turn into a prune. (which ever comes first, heh)

  5. Pregnancy equates to parasitic invasion. I am not surprised it steals your hair. . .

    I get pouty lip too & then the husband tries to pull on it. I would've pouted at the same moment as you had I been standing there too.


    You should of asked Sister Mary Margaret where you could find a good porn theater.

  7. Tequila told me about some nun porno with a cross dildo.
    I found a pic of it.

  8. Actually, it's also the pre-natal vitamins that help your hair and your nails grow beautifully!

    That story is funny! Big D always says if he ever walked into a church he might be struck down! He's a reverend, but doesn't believe in organized religion. I can't believe they had light bulbs! WTF? That's crazy!

    Glad to see you're posting again! We miss you!

  9. Jen, parasitic invasion! Bingo! That's the best description I've ever encountered. When I was little, I was constantly being told to suck in my lower lip. I swear I can't help it. Some people think it's cute, and others think it's just plain manipulative. Personally, I think it's a little bit of both.

    Malach, I think pregnancy is weird...I mean there's another being inside of a person. It's just so strange if you really think about it. Most men seem to love pregnant women, as long as it's not their woman... I had a music teacher named Sister Mary Margaret, but the idea of her referring me to anything but penance kind of grosses me out.

    OMG C.Rag! She's shaved! I always imagined them all bushy, bristly and prickly. That's a pretty hot nun. Hallelujah, I'm saved!

    Ann, but it really is true, (from what I heard at least)that there's a certain hormone that stops it or something to that effect. Reverend? Don't they go to church? Sorry, I'm probably completely uneducated, but I always thought a reverend was like a pastor or minister or something like that? Forgive me...I could be way off base, because I don't know shit about religious titles.

  10. When you've had your baby, and it's about 3 months old, you go to wash your hair and watch aghast as vast quantities of hair fall out in the shower or bath or wherever you're washing your hair. I'm not kidding, it is one of the worst shocks of all - huge great wodges of it fall out and block up all the plug holes.

    I think that's shocking about the light bulbs - shocking and sad :-(


  11. nuns always pull that semantics, minutia, parsing of words shit. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go to a friends house directly after school. I would have to bring a note from my mother saying it was alright to go on a different bus. The principal, Sister jeanette, would then ask, where do you want to go? I would say, "can I please go over my friend Bill's house?" Then the fucking asshole Nun would say, "You're going over his house? Are you going to eat lunch on his roof? Are you jumping over his chimney? Correct your yourself." Then I'd have to correct myself and say,"sorry, Sister jeanette, I meant, can I please go 'visit' my friend Billy at his house?" I've had problems with authority ever since. Miserable Bitches.

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  13. We were just talking about something similar here today. My wife looked beautiful (don't ever tell her I said that) when she was pregnant with my daughter Jackie. 8 years later she got pregnant with our son James and that pregnancy about kicked her ass. It was weird.

  14. I am very anti-organized religion. So I do it my way, in my home, on my schedule and light all the pretty candles I want for whatever I want for free. Well, I have to buy the candles, but lighting is free of charge. :)

  15. lol! I grew up going to Catholic schools too and I still don't feel comfortale going into churches. You summed up the feelings pretty well and I can really relate. The church is an intimidating place and God has never been the one I was afraid of.

  16. Kitty, it's a good thing you said one of the biggest shocks of pregnancy is having your hair fall out, because I think the ultimate shock is the actual baby. Women are amazing...they can squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon and shrink right back to normal in a matter of time.

    Ted, I can almost see a little 3 and a half foot Ted standing there with his little fists clenched. I can completely relate. I've never been one to have a shitload of problems with authority. Growing up, I hated it, but I could usually blend and pretend pretty well. (at least while they were looking) But the nuns at school really irked me. My family went to the school I was going to for generations and our family name was pretty well known I hated having to live up to those that went before me. Nuns were always really quick to say, "Your Grandmother would be sooo disappointed in you."

    Mike, I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but I have a friend that has 7 kids. Up until her last one, this chick was totally amazing. She'd have her baby, and bounce right back to a size 5. She never lost hair, or got fat, or wrinkled or anything! This last pregnancy took 10 years off of this woman's life. I swear it. She still hasn't lost the baby weight. Her hair is really fucking thin. She's got very noticeable wrinkles on her face, and she really looks like woman that has 7 fucking kids.

    Malicious, personally I love lighting candles. I burn at least one candle, a night. I don't think it has very much, if anything at all to do with religion, though. See, at home you buy your candles, but you can blow them out and light them as many fucking times as you want. Every time you blow one out at church, you better be prepared to pay a quarter and go to hell for blowing out someone's prayer..haha.

    Sinead, exactly! I don't really have much to add to your comment because you said it perfectly!

  17. all you catholic school kids make me feel mighty glad i was homeschooled. never in my life have i heard of lights instead of candles. here they have whole huge walls full of just candles inside of most of the churches. i don't think i've ever actually been intimidated going into church though. could be because i didn't have the torture of the private schoolin.

  18. omg i love your work... this was a truly mind boggling post! i have never heard of the candles being replaced with electric bulbs!

  19. Lucky, they say the education is better, but I think the emotional ramifications outweigh the educational value of Catholic school. I can't say I wish I was home schooled, though. Part of childhood is learning how to agree and disagree with your peers. If I had been home schooled, I'd probably be the biggest wuss known to man, to this day. Kids are so fucking cruel.

    Angel, thanks. :) I'd honestly never seen anything like it in my life. But hey, like I said, the church had burned down twice. You'd think they'd just invest in some really great fire insurance. Next time it burned down, they could have it built bigger and better so that it would never burn down again. Or just invest in some fireproof curtains. I have yet to go into a church where the candles are placed in an area where there's carpet or anything else that's flammable.

  20. Get some good prenatal vitamins. They are the magic that pregnant women won't tell you about. Your hair and nails will grow like crazy and all without getting knocked up.


  21. Seeing as I'm jewish I've never actually been in a church so I can't really begin to comment on that part of your post. But not only do pregnant women have thick hair that a man can get lost in, but their nails grow like fucking claws and thick too! I think it has a lot to do with the prenatal vitamins like other people mentioned. Have you ever read the back of one of those bottles? Shit, they have 200% of the daily value of everything.