Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas at Gramma C's with the Little Wooden Hand

This was the first Christmas for years that I was there and (semi) sober and able to enjoy everyone's company. Sitting around the table and cracking obscene jokes. It was the first Christmas in my life that I didn't get a call from my Father wishing me a Merry Christmas, or some completely inappropriate gift from him. Anyway, it's almost the new year and soon, bigger and better things will erupt in my life.

I can feel it.
After dinner my uncle D, fell in love with the stocking stuffer that my Grandma gave him. It's a wooden back scratcher. It's long and at the end it has a little wooden hand shaped just so, for scratching. I'm sure you're thinking,"Oh, I have one of those, I love it too. They reach all the right spots."

Well this wasn't exactly the same kind of love. D found this thing to be the funniest object in the world. It was his new best friend. I really can't begin to describe the love here. You see, the hand extends and retracts, and it does look just like a tiny little hand, so it has become the source of great amusement. Perhaps you should all get one for yourselves. I had no idea how many possibilities were loaded into one little wooden hand.
Why you can:
  • Hi five with a little wooden hand.
  • grab objects from across the table with a little wooden hand.
  • caress your lovers cheek without having to move from the couch with a little wooden hand.
  • scratch your chin like an intellectual with a little wooden hand.
  • pose like The Thinker with a little wooden hand.
  • put a little wooden pinkie into your mouth and say "one million dollars"
  • scratch the dog with the little wooden hand and not get any hair on you.
  • smoke a cigarette with a little wooden hand without having to bring your hand all the way to your mouth.
  • drive like a low rider with a little wooden hand.
  • brush your hair back with a little wooden hand.
  • bitch slap someone with a little wooden hand.
  • "raise the roof" with a little wooden hand.
  • smack the back of someone's hand for grabbing something from across the table when they shouldn't with a little wooden hand.
  • have the worlds smallest wooden hand stroke the worlds smallest wooden penis (don't ask).
How could I possibly think of all these uses for such a seemingly creation? Put the little hand in a room full of friends, family and beer and see what happens. And if it's on Christmas night when tensions are already high, you're in for a treat. Be prepared because...

Of course in our state of of wooden hand giggles, the next logical step was to share the love of the little wooden hand with perfect strangers so they too could see what a genius invention it is.

There is a knock on the door. Everyone hides in the kitchen, except for D, little wooden hand in...well, hand, and I'm on the sofa with an engineer whistle in my mouth. Everyone is silent. It's amazing how how well this is going to come off. D opens the door and the pizza guy doesn't even bat an eye. (I should add that D was wearing and old engineer's cap and aviator glasses and weighs about 250 pounds) He stares at D and starts to hand him the pizza. D flicks out the little wooden hand, which has money in its tiny wooden grip. The arm extends, and the hand reaches out to the pizza guy. This is too much for D, who is already well aware of the comedic power of the little wooden hand, and he begins to giggle. He giggles right in front of the pizza guy who now just wants to leave.

D invites the pizza guy in with a creepy "Hi. You wanna come in?" This forces em to hide my face in the sofa. I mean, come on, it was fucking funny. It's a big city but a small neighborhood, and who knows. I might see this guy on the bus in a week and he could scream out, "Her and her freak train conductor uncle tried to seduce me with a little wooden hand!" The pizza guy leaves, snatching the money from the tiny wooden hand and running down the stairs so fast I thought he was going to fall down and we were going to be sued. D eventually closes the door, after waving goodbye with the hand for a minute or so and smiling. The rest of the bunch come out of the kitchen and blame him for ruining what would've been "The ultimate Pizza guy, little wooden hand Joke."

Now you probably thought my life was all glitz, glamor and fun late night parties in New York with strange rich men, that just treat me like a princess. But in reality, all I do is sit around on Christmas night thinking up new trick for the pizza guy. And while most of the time, I go home drunk at the crack of dawn after these types of events, I instead think about how great the the look on the Pizza guy's face was when we extended a little wooden hand with a twenty dollar bill crammed into its little fingers, at his appalled face.

It's been a hard holiday season for my family. I'm sure you all know that. I'm just trying to make light of a hard time and there isn't much I wouldn't do to try and see my Mother smile again, even if just for a split second. Any ideas?

P.S. Mom, if you're reading this, please close it and try not to peek too often. I love you dearly Mom, but this page isn't really a place for my Mommy's eyes. I'm sure you understand.


  1. That sounds like some excellent non-expensive, family-rated entertainment. Remind me to bring one to my next gathering :)

  2. the little wooden hand just made me smile too.

  3. Man, them pizza guys take lif emuch too seriously, of course, I would be scared in the San Fran is some crazy guy did that to me

  4. Hysterical! Reminds me of holidays with my family back east. We used to just latch onto one thing, and laugh about it all night! Maybe I'll go home for Independence Day in '08.

    Your Mom will smile again, SCG, it just takes some time to heal.

  5. Ohhh that hand ... mmmm that hand! Pizza boy just better be glad it wasn't you and I greeting him at the door with it :)

  6. This sounds SO MUCH like something my family would do! I loved this post and really got an image.


    I'm glad you got a little laughter this Christmas. Hope you're doing okay. (hugs)

  7. HA! It really DOES sound like my house! And the Mom tag...I think I need to lift it. xoxo

  8. Princess, inexpensive? If we wanted to get the joke right, we would've had to order 10 more pizzas from 10 more places! Want to borrow ours? It was magical.

    DH, I'm happy to see you happy.

    Malach, if it was me, I'd probably come in and see what the house had to offer. We were obviously goofing, but this guy looked like a scared high school kid.

    Ann, it's usually a thing or a phrase that gets attention all night long. Something silly like "home stretch!" or "inconceivable!" Gotta love The Princess Bride for providing plenty of entertainment.

    Sara, I might've grabbed him by the collar with it and made him come in. Uncle D is a lot more subtle.

    Random Moments, it's funny how many people can relate to my family. And here i thought we were all fucking crazy.

    Dyna girl, Mom tag?

  9. I've been reading your blog for some time and I just wanted to leave you a little note letting you know that you're in my thoughts often. I pray that things will look up for you in the near future. It sounds to me like Christmas was a good start.

  10. In all the sadness around you lately, you still found a way to laugh. Comedy conquers all.
    We are more alike then you would even belive.
    My kinda girl...{in more ways than one].
    Now get over to harley and take my pic. LOL

  11. I've said it before, but I have to say it again. You make everything happening in your life sound so lighthearted and fun. Without sounding too weird I've wondered what a day in the life of SCG might be like. Yea okay that sounded a little weirder than I'd joped it would. I'm just glad to hear you sounding better. Your last post had me a little worried about you.

  12. Now you need to get a SECOND wooden hand.

    Imagine the possibilities.

    1) Signaling your turns while driving.
    2) Clapping at sporting events.
    3) High fiving people with other wooden hands.
    4) Being on "Dancing with the Stars" (Hell...if Heather Mills can do it with a goddamn wooden leg...)


  13. So ass pics are good for Mommy's eyes?

  14. Ball scratching. You forgot ball scratching.

    Somewhere around here we have one of those little wooden hands. I am going to go look for it and see if I can find any new uses for it.

  15. Interesting blog, I like racy blogs.

  16. It's too bad it wasn't a large hand...gloved in, huh? Oh yeah, this was a Christmas post...I'm glad your Christms was merry!

    Do they sell those hands in large?

    Just reason.

  17. Alex, thanks. I appreciate your thoughts.

    Bug D, like isn't worth living unless you can make time to laugh at it. As for that pic of me, it wasn't what we agreed on...I said when I go to SF I'll get you a postcard.

    Sinead, sorry to make you worry, and thanks for the compliments! I really am feeling much better.

    Mooog, number four sounds like something we would think of. That was fucking great!

    C.Rag, Mommy isn't supposed to be looking at my blog at all. Recently I found out that she found it, but I'm not going to let that hinder what I write. I just hope she has enough respect for me as an adult, to just stop looking.

    Mike, EVERYONE has one of those. I figured only my family was crazy enough to come up with all that stuff. You'll have to let me know. (p.s. I don't have balls to scratch)

    bbc, my blog is a bit racy from time to time, not always... Welcome anyway. Nice to see a new face.

    A girl, I bet you can find it on the internet. My grandmother: That darn internet. It's ruining otherwise decent people. Leather gloved? Kinky...

  18. I have to hand it to you, you should give that hand a hand, i'd give my left hand to have a hand like that. my hand to god I think it sure sounds like a handy thing to have and I don't just hand out compliments like this. oops look at the time, the little hand's close to 3, gotta go catch the lame hand joke express

  19. Sweetass, do you still want that damn giant remote control?

    Ted, it's nice to know there are people out there dorkier than I am. Thanks you so much, you made my day.

  20. That wooden hand is so cool! My kids would love it - I shall keep a look out for one.

    Oh and by the way, I'm with you on the mum-reading-the-blog thing - I'd be mortified if my mum read mine! x

  21. Kitty, it's really supposed to be a back scratcher. I don't think kids would get as much amusement as we did.

    As for my Mom reading the blog, she'll never admit it and she'll look at me like she doesn't know what I'm talking about if I call her on it, but in all honesty, she knows me really well, and we don't have too many secrets, so most of the things I write wouldn't really come as a shock to her. It just annoys me that she feels the need to look here when it's my private place. Maybe she'll get a case of conscience and stop. One can hope.

  22. your posts always crack me up! i want to have a christmas like that. ours is always screaming and arguing about who got better presents and more presents and stuff. we should all have cool families like scg.

  23. Ok that was funny... I bet if you ask the pizza guys have seen it all.. ok maybe not the wooden hand thing yet..

  24. Luck, I skipped that part.

    Random, My pizza guy has!

  25. oh no hehe. i guess every family has the same problems. it still sounds like your night turned out really nice.

  26. Lucky, It's not a major holiday at my family's gatherings until someone fights or cries. I usually leave the explosion of the night in the back of my mind and focus on the positives. The night was a blast.

  27. It's nice to see you smiling again, Cupcake. Merry Christmas and a happy New Year.


  28. I hope you don't mind it if I call you Cupcake. Is it okay?

  29. So you had a great time. Since your in a good mood these days can we have some more ass pictures? I mean Im just asking. bitch slap me if you really think i deserve it with that little wooden hand.

  30. I've been reading on and off, through Glugster, and I just wanted to let you know that it does get better from here.

    There will be moments of sheer desperation in your misery, but mostly comedy will carry you through it.

    Keep strong honey, and keep up your brilliant blog!

    PS: Your family has nothing on mine!

  31. :) leaving another comment so I can tick the silly box thing for email notifications.

  32. Lurker, Cupcake is an adorable nickname. I like it, thanks. :)

    Alex, I suppose anything is possible. Although I can't say pictures of my ass will be on this blog, they might be elsewhere...look around.

    Sheebee, this story is jsut the tip of the iceberg of how weird my family can get. Trust me, this is nothin'. Thanks so much for the kind words. It seems to me that things are looking up. One can only hope for a brighter new year.

  33. I so want one of those wooden hands!

    I could put it to some good use if you know what I mean!

  34. P.S. Mom, if you're reading this, please close it and try not to peek too often. I love you dearly Mom, but this page isn't really a place for my Mommy's eyes. I'm sure you understand.

    It would be in the best interest of everyone in my family to not read my blog. Especially, my wife and in-laws.

  35. This comment has been removed by the author.

  36. Dyna, snap to it. It's fun! At least I keep telling myself that.

    Pre po, I'm not sure I want to know. You scare me sometimes.

    Beach Bum, some things are better left unread. I have an ip tracker, so I know she sees it. I've never really called her on it, but from time to time, I drop hints on my blog to make her cut it out.

    Hear that Mom? Get off my blog!

  37. I wonder if the pizza guys talk to each other-

    "Hey, we got a delivery for the Little Wooden Hand House! Frank, you free?"

    "I'm not going near that place! Have Ralph take it."

    "Oh no, I did the Little Wooden Hand House last time, it's somebody else's turn!"

    "Make Jack take it, he's new, he won't have heard about it..."

  38. Colonel, that's fuckin' awesome. I think I want to become the wooden hand girl. Men will love me and children will fear me like the crazy cat lady.

  39. Buy her chocolate. Your mother. Unless she's allergic to chocolate, nothing will make her smile more. I lost both of my parents in the past 3 years so I understand where youre coming from. One of these days, its going to hit you like a ton of bricks and it will all come out. then just like magic youre going to feel better.

  40. Anon, I've actually gone down the chocolate road already. I think all she wants now is to just be left alone and given some time.

  41. Bwahahahahah! The little wooden hand and its uses are hilarious!

  42. it sounds like you had fun despite the sadness...
    so did you get yourself a little wooden hand yet?