Saturday, December 1, 2007

The gun in Sister Rose Marie's Handbag

For those of you that belong to a church or at least pretend to, you know that every Christmas there's some kind of boutique. They sell presents that you wouldn't buy for anyone but your Grandmother or great Aunt Edna. Everything from crocheted crosses, to little handmade aprons for your dish soap. (if you don't know what that is, look below and cringe)

click to enlarge if you dare or care

Today, I went to visit my Grandmother who is all of 82 with all of her wits about her. Don't let this woman fool you. She's a cunning, sneaky woman. I love her to death because she raised me right. Coming in at night with her yardstick making sure we said our Our Fathers and our Hail Marys was always a treat. I go to visit her every single Saturday and she plays all old and innocent and shit. I'm getting distracted, as usual. OK. So, today she calls me on my way there and asks if I'd like to accompany her and go to the Christmas boutique. I absolutely despise these events but I knew that if I didn't go, she wouldn't get there, since she's completely immobile and she really did seem to have her heart set on it.

After practically carrying her up a flight of stairs, we get into the room and I see 75 old withered women look at us coming through the door. A luncheon! She tricked me into taking her to a League of the Sacred Heart, luncheon! She turned to me and swore up and down, I'm sure with her wrinkled little fingers crossed behind her back, that she forgot it was a luncheon. (For someone that forgot it was a luncheon, she was quick to pull that envelope with her dues that was obviously made way ahead of time.) Along with lunch, they were having a little boutique, as I mentioned before, with strange crocheted or knitted, (I really don't know the fucking difference) toilet paper holders and handmade quilts, along with all kinds of other shit you hate getting for Christmas, and will never use. Not once. Not ever. Also included, for the low price of 6 for $5.00, were raffle tickets. On the table of things that were being raffled off were 5 bottles of booze, and some other stuff. After seeing the booze, my vision became tunneled and I bought my raffle tickets.

I didn't win. I never win a thing. With a room full of lucky Irish people, some are bound to be less lucky than others. The raffle went something like this...Cue obnoxious swishy music. ~~~~~~~~~

A woman named Rose, screamed out, "Number 2806!!! I SAID, number 2806!!! Does anyone have number 2806?? Last call for number 2806!!!" Last call came at least 4 times. Everyone sat there squinting at their pile of tickets, wondering if it was them, and I hear a deep, raspy voice scream, "Beengo!" I turned around to see a man! *GASP A MAN* An elderly man, named Patrick had slipped in. I suppose he was married to one of the women. He was waving his raffle ticket in the air, calling out,"Beengo! Beengo!" Women looked appalled and whispered, while another woman walked over to him and told him gently that it wasn't bingo, but it was, in fact, a raffle. In any case, he traded the winning ticket for the Vodka. (I don't know how these old people can in good faith, take these bottles of alcohol when they know damn well they can't drink with all those fucking medications they're on. My Grandparents have whole tables full of pills) Or maybe they can. My grandmother was a little loopy this afternoon. Maybe she's been nipping at the cooking sherry with her Codeine. I wonder if Patrick thought he had died for the sake of Jihad and realized the Quran had a typo. It wasn't 72 virgins after all. It was one 72 year old virgin and her name was Sister Rose.

The day was pretty uneventful other than my Grandmother tricking me into an old lady fest... I bought a few handmade cross magnets for the fridge that already has too many magnets from my many travels and escapades. Does anyone know why 7 out of 10 women over the age of 70 are named Rosalie? Whenever someone screamed the name Rose, 10 people turned around. I'm glad I have a name that isn't common.

Until we meet again,

S

32 comments:

  1. I wish I'd know you were going ... I really need one of those crocheted covers for my hot sauce bottle!

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  2. Your Grandmother sounds like the epitome of ever Irish Grandmother to date. I'm sure she loves you and her other 20 Grandchildren more than anything in the world.

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  3. Marry me. Please? I'll even get down on bended knees.

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  4. Sara, I'm sure my Grandmother has one. Should I ask?


    Sinead, she has a hell of a lot more than 20 Grandchildren. From this side of the family, we're talking in the upper 40s. And we love her, too.


    Cookie, bended knee(s)? Who the fuck are you?

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  5. Another Curious GirlDecember 2, 2007 at 1:19 AM

    i dont think i know any old ladies named rose but the jihad thing was really funny lol. you sure get some weirdos that comment here. how the heck do they find you? blogger doesnt let me post my link anymore. do i need to make a new account?

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  6. I went to a few of those with my great aunt some years ago. Don't let the "helpless" act fool you- when old people travel in packs they can strip a lunchtime buffet in three minutes flat.

    I kept thinking it would be fun to make an "anatomically correct" transvestite dish-soap cover and slip it onto the sale table when nobody was looking, but I don't knit or crochet or whatever it is, so I never did. That's one of the great regrets of my life...

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  7. ps- your balloons are ready, at the bottom of the balloon post. You should make a collection in your sidebar!

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  8. Another Curious, I welcome weirdos of all shapes and sizes here. And I have no idea about your account. I think I remember some time back, you saying that you forgot your password or something. Email blogger? Other than that, I wouldn't know what to tell you.


    Colonel, ohhh. Now there's an idea. It could be wearing one of those long dresses and have a parasol and shit. Although the proper grandmother never lifts a doll's dress up. She used to smack me for asking where Barbie's vagina was.

    As for the balloons, I'm on my way over to see now and add it to my collection. I'll add more as they come along.

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  9. how do you make a room a full of old ladies say fuck?

    shout out, "BINGO!"

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  10. Ted, or, "BEENGO!" It seems to have the same effect.

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  11. I love the name Rose. You should start being really nice to all of those women and trick them to making you their heir. Think about it.

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  12. Angry man, if I thought it at all possible, a task like that is very much up my alley. Every single one of these women has at least 4 children and twice the amount of grandchildren. Trust me, they're all kissing ass to get something. I'll ask around. Maybe there's an old, semi-sane woman with no kids.

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  13. See if any of the old men are looking for love ... I'm available.

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  14. 7 out of 10 women over 70 are named Rosalie for the same reason that in 50 years 7 out of 10 women are going to be named Jessica. It just works out that way.

    Just down the road from where I live they have Bingo every Saturday night at the Sportsman's club. From about 6:00 on, the road in front of our house is filled with really old people. It's right down scary.

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  15. You’re grandmother sounds feisty. I like that.

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  16. When I'm old the only medicine I'm taking is Jim Beam

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  17. Sara honey, get in line. I'm quick to sit on Santa's lap.


    Mike, kind of like 7 out of 10 Mexicans are named Maria. I get it.
    You should pick one up. I hear women with no teeth give great head. You'll have to experiment and let me know.


    Nick, my Grandmother still wears pumps and polyester dresses. She's quite the proper lady. I told her I was going to do her nails for her anniversary this coming Saturday. I'm thinking fire engine red. What do you think?


    C.Rag, they get way better shit than that. I saw this movie called Little Miss Sunshine, and the Grandfather was addicted to Heroin. When I'm old and can't walk, I have every intention of being as comfortable as possible. Jim helps in my younger years, but I want stronger shit when I'm 80.

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  18. I didn't mean to scare you.

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  19. Hahahaha! Good tale. Were all 5 of the bottles filled with Russian potato juice? How about some manly whiskey? That's what I'm talking about! I know what you mean about the tableful of pills! Gees! My Dad takes a bazillion pills. I'm 27 and I already need 2. Ugh! I'm gonna gain weight on the pill diet if I live to be Dad's age!

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  20. Oh no you don't...what about your little trip? :)

    If I had known. I need an apron for my bathroom soap dispenser and a plate for my stand, preferably one that says Jesus is Lord.

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  21. Women with no teeth give great head??? Holy shit, a new experience awaits.

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  22. Over 40 grandkids? That's a lot of Christmas shopping!

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  23. Cookie, you're not scaring me. Only annoying the shit out of me.


    Scott, there were a few kinds of booze up there. We're Irish.


    Random, the trip. I actually get one of those little nervous feelings in my stomach when I say that. Sure I can't interest you in a few little needlepoint crosses for your fridge?


    Mike, I'd imagine they'd gum your shit. Nothing to scrape.


    Sinead, and we were all taken care of as little ones. None of us went without what we asked for. As we go older it was cash in a card. I always liked that better than Barbies.

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  24. I avoid those botiques at all cost.

    Besides I doubt they have any knitted nipple warmers.

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  25. I read your post...funny! I read the comments: scary and funny! But the one thing I got out of it was Great Aunt Edna. I had one of those...that's a little scary, too.

    Love the story...your grandmother sounds great.

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  26. The church doesnt want me so I am spared these events

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  27. Simply Curious:
    Good luck, I'm pulling for you. Snake that inheritance away, baby!

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  28. Pre P, as of late, my tits get so fucking cold. Then my nipples get hard as thumbtacks. I want some knitted nipple warmers. Do you know how to make 'em? I bet they'd be like, little doilies.


    Ann, Edna is one of those names like Rose. When you think of the name you think of an old, fat wrinkled bag that wears way too much no rub off, red lipstick. My Grandmother is the best. Just ask her.


    Nos, why is that?


    Angry man, I'll be sure to include you for the small price of your soul.

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  29. I would've hated the trickery too. Not nice, grandma. Not nice.

    Sweet little old innocent ladies. I think not.

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  30. i think my grandma is going to be a lot like that. she takes care of two twin 7 yr olds, rollerblades and does tae bo. she's a sneaky one too...

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  31. Jen, she's a pro. Seriously.


    TM, my grandmother still wears a girdle and stockings. Knowing damn well no one's been under that dress in a really long time. Ahhh., Tae Bo. Stay back!

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  32. your granny sounds awesome!!!
    LOL at her tricking you...

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