Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Death Happens

Why is it that when we cry our mouths salivate? Is it because the throat gets swollen? Is it to wash our mouths? We cry when we're in pain and tears are an antiseptic? Do our tongues swell and push against a salivary gland or something?

Honestly, I think it's because God gives us saliva so that we have a harder time talking when we cry, to prevent us from saying things we don't really mean when we don't know how to express exactly what we're feeling in a healthy manner. It might also be a defense mechanism. People stay away from weeping, drooling messes. It's human nature. The ones that love us no matter what, let the snot and drool get all over them while they hold us and tell us everything is going to be OK.

I've been pretty snotty and drooly this morning.

My Grandmother died today on this day before we traditionally give thanks, and I'm very thankful to have been this woman's Granddaughter. Because of this, I feel the need to tell you all a little bit about her.

She was a good woman. She tried to be a better woman. She changed over the years and became a quieter version of herself. I heard plenty of stories about the crazy things she did back when she was younger. Back before she had to become responsible and become an adult.

I'm not going to go on and on about her, because something tells me that's not what she would've wanted. She probably would've told me not to waste my time. She is the type of person that will be missed by hundreds of people. She rarely kept to herself, and had a mouth on her that would keep you giggling. Very intimidating and loud when she got going. Very blunt and stubborn, as well. She damn sure made sure that she took care of the people that mattered to her. You can bet your ass that those handfuls of people she loved and cared for are going to miss her tremendously.

She loved sitting in her living room, in her recliner, feet kicked back, remote in one hand and she watched television, her head leaning back more and more as she fell asleep watching her shows. She had her things that made her happy. She was a diabetic and hid Twinkies in her room, and got caught on more than one occasion.

She lived in the same home for so many years before she had to go to a nursing home, that she hated. She bitched that they were all Filipinos and talking about her when she couldn't understand them. It was a conspiracy, I tell you.

The funeral will be Monday, most likely. I have to wonder if she would want a lot of fuss made over her. But we have a huge family and a close knit one at that, so there's no way we wouldn't all gather in her memory. I'm writing this at the risk that she wouldn't approve and neither would my family, but I wanted to tell the world that she existed. I want everyone to know that I had a Grandmother and I'm very sad that she's gone. And this is my diary. So if I didn't write it, it would be like saying that it wasn't important to me. Reading back over these words, for the first time now, is making this all feel, very real. It's all sort of sinking in. I'm telling myself, as I'm telling all of you...I lost my father and my Grandmother is a short period of time, and it hurts. It hurts very much.

So Gramma S and Dad...I don't know all that much about the Internet, but I have an incredible hope that these electronic waves are made out of some of the same particles you're made of now. I know we didn't get a chance to formally say goodbye...any of us, but I hope that maybe you can feel these words and feel all the love I'm shoving into them. I'm packing them in along with all the things I never got to say to either of you.

Thank you for being my Gramma, and make sure they let you have Twinkies up there in heaven every once in awhile. I know how much it'd mean to you.

Is it true deaths always happen in threes? I don't know if I could handle another one. My other Grandmother is also very old and not very well. I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose her too. Time to put on my headphones and cry.

Just a little note: For those that check my blog regularly, I probably won't be posting until the middle of or late next week. The Rosary is on Monday, and the funeral is on Tuesday, so I want to give myself the time to properly mourn and clear my head a little bit. I'll be back though.


  1. :( Im so sorry SCG. losing a loved one during the holidays is really hard. if i can help you in any way please let me know.

  2. It may or may not be completely appropriate to say this, but I truly believe she was a remarkable woman. Her genes helped to create you and I think you're one of the most beautiful people inside. I can't say outside because I don't actually know what you look like, but I think I'll just quit while I'm ahead. My condolances Simply Curious Girl. The pain will subside.

  3. So sorry about your g'ma. Your story is very touching. Thanks.
    I hope your g'ma had a long and wonderful life.

  4. I am very sorry for your loss. listen to "the parting glass" and Give her a proper send off.

  5. Ar deis dé go raibh sí.

    I know the pain and it's hard. Try not to think ahead too far. It makes things harder. Focus on your here and now.

  6. I am so sorry you lost two important people! That just really, really sucks. I wish you were a real (physical) friend of mine (not just a mysterious internet woman) because I would give you a long hug in this situation. Other than hugs and sorry, I don't know what to say.

    A baby who will turn 1 tomorrow is probably going to die today. He and his Mom go to my church. He has been really sick his whole short life. If he does die, that will be super hard on his poor Mom. That makes me sad, too.

    As for tears and saliva, I hadn't noticed a connection. But tears flow through your nose and channel down the throat. Them backing up would cause additional water in the mouth. And yes, tears kill bacteria.

  7. My condolences SCG. You wrote a beautiful tribute to her. I'm sure she knows. Keep her memories alive and close.

  8. I am so sorry to hear about your Grandmother.

    You do have all of the happy memories`she left you with to be thankful for.

    Big hugs to you.

  9. Oh no... I have just started visiting and so I don't want to come across as an insincere stranger, but I am truly sorry to hear about your loss.


  10. Please know that my sympathy is heart-felt. Your tears can be heard here and my heart goes out to you and your family.

  11. S - First let me say I am truly sorry for the passing of your grandmother. Your tribute was beautiful and I'm sure she would have loved it.

    Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday for me. It's the last time I saw my Dad before he passed. We knew he was dying and I was lucky to spend that time with him. He was very dear to me, and the holiday just isn't the same.

    All I can tell you is this: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You do what you feel is right. It took me nearly 3 years, anti-anxiety drugs, and a therapist to get over my Dad's passing. I'm just now getting back on my feet.

    Along with others that have commented, I wish we were friends outside of blogger, because I would offer any support I could. That being said, if you need to talk, email me and then you can call if you want.

    I'm so, so sorry for your loss.

  12. My thoughts are with you now more than ever. I'm sure your gran and dad got your message.

  13. Curious, I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. You will be in my prayers. I don't know what to say, just hang in there, and hold on to your memories of her.

  14. aaawww scg... HUGE cyber hugs girl- i also had an AWESOME gran and i miss her dreadfully.
    you'll be in my thoughts and you will be missed... i'll come check on you next week.

  15. I'm so sorry for your loses...

    I like what you've written and I'm sure your Gramma S and your Dad are proud of you.


  16. I am so so sorry
    I wish that I could say something that may ease your suffering but I know that there is nothing.
    Just know that you have my greatest sympathy

  17. I just wrote a blog that relates to the subject of losing a grandma; I can relate. Especially since we also lost our dad (her son) within six weeks of Gram. I feel for you.

    We started a tradition that year; on Christmas Eve, we light a big pillar candle that I bought to remember the loved ones who can't be there to celebrate with us. The flickering light makes us feel their spirits.

    Everyone says it; the pain does soften, believe it or not. You're doing the right thing by going through it, rather than around it.

    You are in my prayers...

  18. I am sorry for your loss. As Oscar Wilde wrote: “Where there is sorrow there is holy ground.”

    You and your family are in my prayers.

  19. SC- I'm so sorry about your grandmother. My most sincere regards to you and your family.

    RIP Simply Curious Girl's Grandma.