Saturday, November 17, 2007

Would she go Down on you in a Theater?


I had wasted so much fucking time. There wasn't anything wrong with me. He just didn't know how to love me...I suppose I'd already known the truth for some time, but I was unable to admit it to myself. Today I held a box in my hands; an early Christmas present, and it hit me. I was free.




I threw away the box, unopened, shredded the card in two. We broke up a long time ago, but it's finally real in my mind. I can finally, openly, honestly say, I have no more feelings for him, and it feels fucking awesome and it's so, so liberating.


Relationships are really, very difficult. Someone once told me, "Love means never having to say you're sorry." That's bullshit. In love you're apologizing all the Fucking time. Constantly finding things to say you're sorry for. How people change and grow with each other over the years, blows me away. In time, you're finishing each other's sentences. You know who turns the light off at night before bed and who's going to smack the alarm clock and hit snooze in the morning. You have your side of the bed and he has that special pillow he sleeps with. Nights of passionate love making, turn into, "Baby stop, I'm tired.." Nights of sleeping in each other's arms, naked, turn into sleeping back to back, and being annoyed he won't stop snoring. You'd love to smother him with that favorite pillow he holds on to for dear life, instead of you every night. People change so much and sometimes you find that that you aren't the team you once were. And no matter how much the two of you are in love, you just can't get things to feel the same anymore. It just stops working.

We broke up. We're separated. We're on a break. We call it a lot of different things to cover up the pain that he's not here anymore, every day, reaching out a hand or stroking my forehead when he passes through the living room on his way to the kitchen.

There was once a boy. There was once a girl. They once created a life together. They decided to step back from that life when it just wasn't fun anymore. It just didn't make them happy anymore. They loved each other so very much, that they just couldn't stand making each other miserable anymore. That's life. That's what happens to people. We can trace a line of events, but we can't follow a series of emotions. Things change. People change. Life changes. Times change. It's very possible to love someone so much and still be unable to make him or her smile.

Sometimes the best gift you can give someone is their freedom, and space. That's what he did.

Merry Christmas. Now go away.


I may talk a good game, but I seriously have no idea what I'm doing, what I'm going to do, what I'm supposed to do, or what I should've done. I'm just here, like any of you, trying to figure it all out.

It's hard to let everyone know you're absolutely terrified.

28 comments:

  1. In my case it's not even an ex girlfriend. It's an ex-wife. The funny thing is though, initially you would rather be miserable (in the relationship) than lonely.

    Somehow in this year I've moved on. Don't know when or how it happened. It just did.

    It would be nice to have someone to hold at night though. You want the job? :)

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  2. sometimes i miss having someone to hold onto...
    but all the hurt and confusion that i dunno how to deal with is exactly why i won't even go there!!!

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  3. the wasted time don' really be bothering me. All the wasted kisses do.

    Stomp.

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  4. I need more time to post an intelligent, reflective response here. more time than I currently have. Besides I need to get ready for church. And maybe you just need to have someone around for advice and support to decide which way you should think to go. Let's make an appointment.

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  5. Love hurts! Plain and simple.

    Sucks but it is true.

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  6. I'm going to tell you exactly what I told a very good friend recently, who just went thru the same sort of thing: You need to just BE. Be you, get accustomed to being you alone (not lonely). Go out and do things with friends.

    Love and marriage don't suck if it's with your soulmate. I know a lot of people don't believe that, but my hubby and I have both been thru the ringer in previous marriages, and I think it makes us appreciate each other more. We've been married 10 years and it's still spicy!

    Your pain will fade. Don't be terrified, though. As my son likes to say, "Live life on your terms...nobody's getting out of it alive anyway." And what I say is: life's too damn short to be miserable...find yourself some happiness!

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  7. First, sorry you're in pain.
    Ann said it well though. I'll just add that I try to take every shit experience and do a full evaluation of what was my fault and what wasn't and then I try to learn from my mistakes. Then when it's time to move on and get involved with someone else you think of the worst aspect of the last person you were with, the most objectionable, annoying trait, the thing that drove you the most nuts and make shit sure the next person doesn't have it.

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  8. Glugster, it's taken me an awfully long to time to feel nothing when I got a letter or package from him. I think every once in awhile he sends them just to keep my scars fresh, and I realize that the scar is healed, now. Too bad you're so far away. I might let you replace the little stuffed Eeyore that I sleep with. I love cuddling.


    Angel, you're completely right. I sometimes wonder if having someone to hold me at night is worth all the bullshit you have to go to just to get it. Ah...the simple pleasures of life aren't so simple, are they?


    Scary, kisses are never a waste, unless the other person doesn't know what the hell they're doing.


    Dave, an appointment? Am I going to be paying for your time? :P


    P.P., it really does...


    Ann, that's a really great quote! I just said it to my Mom and she raised her eyebrows. I think she liked it too. I've always been me. Even when I was with him. I think I'm just a needy person when I'm with someone else. I like undivided attention and special times set aside only for me. When I don't have that, that's when I feel lonely....


    Ted, why are all the good guys married? :P

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  9. Hi there. Glad you stopped by my blog and glad to have stopped by yours. :)

    I totally agree with Ann. Love works when its with your soulmate. I've gone through many awful break ups from once beautiful relationships, but you just have to keep believing and have faith.

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  10. Random, I'm glad I stopped by your blog too. :)

    I agree with her too. Trouble is, in love, everyone you really fall for seems like they might just be "the one." In time, I know he'll come along. I just wish I knew when.

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  11. dont be so negative hunny
    people do change and they do get to comfy to care bout looking good and shit like that but there are good things too.
    Like having someone to tell how your day was and stuf like that

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  12. Simply,

    I don't have very much experience with relationships. So all I can think of to say is that the pain does go away after relationships don't work. It just takes some time.

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  13. i've decided that although i'm missing a lot of "highs" being in a relationship at least i'm spared all the lows...

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  14. Nos, I'm not being negative. I'm ending something that's had a hold on me for a long time.


    Scott, I think some people missed the point of this post, so let me clarify a little. The pain is gone. It took time, but it's finally healed. That was more the point, here.


    Sweet Ass, Amen to that!

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  15. Love really hurts.

    Its hard to control emotions and even harder to hide them.

    You'll pull through... Even if it feels like a complete mess now

    xx

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  16. Elise, I'm a strong person. That goes along with strong-willed. I can be extremely stubborn and I'm glad I finally stopped dwelling on him.

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  17. Oh wel in that case you go ahead then
    hey look you have fish too

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  18. All you are in the end is your Experiences. so Don't let "society" dictate your life.. grab as much as you can in lifes adventures. good or bad. the story about the "RIDER" that was posted on ann's blog, is how ann Ann and I feel for each other. keep having fun...no matter what. and that soulmate will come. Rev BIG DADDY

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  19. S - regarding the previous comment from Big Daddy...he's my hubby and my soulmate.

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  20. Nos, I totally stole the idea of the fish from you. I hope you don't mind...


    Big Daddy, I love typing that...lol. I've actually seen your blog and know who you are, through, of course reading Anne's. You two are the cutest thing ever. One can only hope to find that one of these days.


    Anne, love you both to death! Funny how you can feel so close to someone you've never met.

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    ReplyDelete
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    hahahahaha
    you should name them

    ReplyDelete
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