Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Measurements, Please.

She was measuring my ass. You heard it correctly. I had my measurements taken for a stupid blue taffeta dress, that the bride obviously is only putting me in, so she can look fabulous. Of course brides enjoy making their bridesmaids out to look like 80's hookers, but that's another story, altogether. I understand the bride wants to shine. But this isn't about the bride, or the dress.
This is about my ass.

She wrapped the measuring tape around my bust line which I already knew was going to be a task in itself. Then around my waist. Then, beware. She measured my hips and ass. Her nose squished up just a little while she scribbled down my measurements for that ugly dress and I asked, "So?" She smiled and said,"You're gonna look fabulous! Stop worrying! I better be going. Can I use your bathroom before I go?" Off she trotted to the bathroom before I even answered and I peeked into her little pad to see my ass. My mouth dropped open. When did a 6 sneak in there? 36 inches??

After she left I went into the kitchen drawer and I measured out 36". If my hips were laid out flat they would be 3' long! I mean, holy shit, my hips are almost as tall as I am? How much ass is that? How much fucking ass is that?? That's an assload of ass. That's how much. My refrigerator, minus my freezer is the size of my ass. My entertainment center from from DVD player to television, is the size of my ass. My bathtub is the size of my ass. I continued measuring things around the house, making my way around the rooms with my arms outstretched, the measuring tape pulled taut between my fingers, and I was a measurement monster! Beady little eyes, bulging out of my head, going crazy! You could fit three Simbas on my ass. (Simba is our Chihuahua) You could store all of my clothes in my ass. My bed? As wide as my ass.

I grabbed a piece of pretty stationary and a purple marker from my sister's pen cup by her computer, tossed my bottle of water into the recycling bin, and grabbed another one. I calmly, or maybe not so calmly sat down and wrote in big purple letters at the top of the paper:


1. LOSE WEIGHT (that belonged right at the top) I added a little subheading.

2. QUIT SMOKING (I crossed it out)

2. DRINK MORE WATER ( much easier, that one)

I mean, cigarettes are part of the diet plan. I took a deep breath and looked around the house again.


I have stacks of books mingling with stacks of books that I've been meaning to read, piled along with old mail, that I've been meaning to read, unopened. Credit card denials, and bank statements. All it will take is a trip to Walmart and my problem will be solved.


I have to say that this 'alone thing' takes getting used to, but come on. It's time I went out a little more often, by myself. I don't always need to go out with my friends or some guy. I could go for a stroll by myself. Get a table for one at a restaurant. Neither of which I've ever done, that I can remember...


I get NO work during the Winter holidays. I get stuck in the house, spending hours on my computer, and watching TV and feeding my pet ass.


I think it's time for a little change. Maybe swept bangs, or layers. Maybe some new color, or highlights.

I have decided to start task 1, immediately. Back to on demand exercise on TV and hitting the gym at least 3 times a week. I pay monthly for it, and I haven't been in weeks. I keep blaming being sick, but I'm not sick anymore and I really can't keep using that as an excuse.

Time for bed.

Little note, I got an email from a blogger that asked me to promote her blog. To be honest, I can't say I endorse everything it stands for, but she did ask me, so I have no problem with that. Give it a look-see and leave her comments whether you're for or against the cause. She likes the feedback.

Second little note, this is the first, and last time I'm doing this for someone. I don't want to make a habit out of endorsing anyone, because then my blog will be flooded with spam.

Ta ta for Now.



  1. I love the ass storie
    but its okay
    I havnt measured my ass in ages for fear of heart failure but hey I bet its more than 36

  2. Hahahaha. I think I should also do the walk around with my ass measurements. It will probably be good motivation in my battle to lose weight.

  3. I see you're on the same diet as me, cigarettes included.

    36" is NOT bad. Wasn't Marilyn Munroe 36" across the hips? I wish mine was 36, right now tape measures are off limits, if I knew what mine were I may jump out a window.

  4. love your ass!! i do mine, kiss kiss, doesn't work, unfortunately i'm not double jointed...

    i would rather give up food before i give up cigarettes...!!

    good list, enjoyed that!

  5. God, my list looks almost identicle to yours. Complete with crossed out "quit smoking".'

  6. LMFAO! Don't fret...cigarettes ARE part of the diet plan! If you quit smoking now, that 36 will morph into a 38, 40, and so on.

    As you recently saw on my blog, my husband and I have lost an ass-load of weight (pun intended!)in the last year. We did this in different ways: he stopped with the sugar, etc. We only eat whole wheat pasta and bread. And I drank a Slim Fast Optima for lunch every day. It's gross at first, but you get used to it. You'll lose that ass in no time! Good luck!

  7. sounds ok to me. cue 70's porno music

  8. feeding my pet ass

    Lol! I got a couple more inches on you so now I'm really starting to get a complex!!

    Its always good to change a few things after a rough break up. Very refreshing.

  9. Oh you poor thing! I am sorry you feel that way, but I have to say some of the things you wrote in this post were hilarious! I personally don't think there is anything wrong with the size of your "pet ass." In fact, if you are worried about the health aspect of this, it would be much healthier for you to quit the smoking than losing a few pounds or inches off your ass! As for eating alone and going to the movies alone--unfortunately I do it a lot. And it very much sucks!

  10. I have to wear a WIDE LOAD sign on my ass!

  11. Oh, P.S., Simply--this post reminded me of a post I wrote on August 5th called "Ritual." Check it out if you get a minute!

  12. Nos, don't measure. You'll regret it!!!

    Glugster, I'll say the same thing I said to Nos. Don't! It'll make you see things, even walking around outside that equal your ass...I felt like Rain Man.

    Rosa, Marilyn was taller than I am...lol.

    Sweet Ass, If I could kiss my own ass then my mouth would be able to reach all kinds of places. Now that would be something worth blogging about. I think I'd rather give up food as well.

    Dyna, at least we're honest. I have no intention of quitting, at least not in the immediate future.

    Ann, honestly, I eat pretty healthy, with the occasional break for pizza and beer. I'm not a fan of fast foods, and I never drink soda. Time to cut juice completely out. You guys are doing great on your diets. I'm jealous!

    Ted, baowm chicki chicki baowm baowm. *doing my sultry blue taffeta dance*

    Random, I want to say my pet ass is the least of my problems, but that's what I'm dwelling on for the time being. :P

    Scott, I guess I'm taking Anne's advice to be happy just being me. Well, minus the huge ass...I'm not ready to quit smoking right now. In time I'll get there, but no point in trying to quit when I know I don't want to, yet.

    P.P., where can I get one of those?

  13. omg S you are so fucking funny! i love this blog!!! i laughed the whole time reading it and then measured things that were the same as my 44 inch ass. dont quit smoking. it might be bad for your health but so is being fat and the minute you quit youre going to get fat. i happen to know you have a great figure!! 36 inches isnt even a fat ass. its a perfect curvy one. im so jealous!!!!

  14. It's all in one's perspective. Since you measured the full circumferance of your ass, that means that 1/2 of you , (front or back) would only be 18"!! Shit you could like escape from a prison if you were only 18" across. Now your ass would only be 36" when flat like a pancake, (like if you got squashed by a bus.) Now i love pancakes in the morning , but I love sexy curves all day and night long. Funny post, but I think it's perfect.

  15. Thats so funny!

    Don't worry about you ass hun, booty babes are in this season

    A trip to Walmart will not sort out the problem with the books! Your like my sister, she just buys wardrobes for clothes instead of giving them to charity or throwing them out!


  16. good luck scg- sounds like you got a plan!!

  17. me: 43,36,40!!! i got you beat!!!
    are we gonna see pics of the dress... ?

  18. Whoa, curiousgirl, 36 is fine. In fact, it's perfect. Anywhere from 36-40 is within the range of perfection in my book. Back in the good ol days, 36" was perfect as in 36-24-36. . . but nobody but a few could do the "24," so it was usually 25 or 26. Up to 28 was acceptable.
    I don't know when wanting a "girlish figure" turned into wanting a "prepubescent boyish figure."

  19. Whoa, curiousgirl, 36 is fine. In fact, it's perfect. Anywhere from 36-40 is within the range of perfection in my book. Back in the good ol days, 36" was perfect as in 36-24-36. . . but nobody but a few could do the "24," so it was usually 25 or 26. Up to 28 was acceptable.
    I don't know when wanting a "girlish figure" turned into wanting a "prepubescent boyish figure."

  20. Yeah, didn't Rick James sing about those measurements in BrickHouse,
    "36-24-36 what a winning hand!" That's hourglass, and that is a goal to strive for, at least in my case-I want mine back, who took it?

  21. Sounds like a pretty decent ass.

    Something a man can hold onto...