Wednesday, November 28, 2007

My Ass Hurts...

Maybe you're one of those perfect people that pay for a gym membership and always go. Every morning you bounce off with your perfect little fucking ponytail and your big white teeth gleam, as your perfect little perky ass and your annoying little perky, mousy voice goes "I'm off to the gym!!"

First of all, if that's you? Be thankful no one has stabbed you in the eye. Yet.

I'm not one of those people. I forget to exercise until someone reminds me. I don't run unless my life is being threatened. And of course I only try to break a sweat during sex.

There's this wedding coming up that I mentioned before, and I'm pretty sure as my friend was measuring my hips, she was shaking her head and holding her breath, while sucking her teeth. I could be horrible here and mention that as she was measuring my hip to foot distance, I noticed that the hair on the top of her head was thinning and I could actually see her scalp. But that would make me mean. And I'm not a mean person, so I don't know where you heard that from.

Since I broke down the other day after seeing my measurements on paper for the first time, in 5 years, I decided to grab an old Tae Bo tape and work out. You remember Tae Bo don't you? With everyone's favorite scary, sweaty black man, Billy Blanks? After about 30 seconds I quit and went back to the Girls Next Door Workout Video. I enjoy watching them jump around a hell of a lot more than Billy. With Billy, I had to do these crazy hop things and then punch, and then run backwards like I'm a member of the fucking Dallas cowboys or something.

OK...On to Bridget. Bridget is fucking amazing for 34 years old. She looks 21 so she must be doing something right. In one particularly aerobic set of moves with Bridget, you lift one knee, lift the other, kick kick, and then do four jumping jacks while moving back into your starting position. So I'm doing the knee, knee, kick, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, jumping jack, and I'm feeling pretty fucking proud of myself.

BRIDGET: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: Oh, yeah, Bridget! Let's go!

Bridget: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: That's what I'm talkin' about Bridget! Yeah!

Bridget: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! That's it! Keep going! That's it!

S: I know that's it! I know, Bridget, I fucking rule!


Table: Crash!

Ashtray: Flip!

Bottle of water: Splish!



Bridget: Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: Shut the fuck up Bridget! I just fucking fell over a table! Give me a fucking second to recover, Whore.

Bridget: Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack!

S: I'm sorry, Simba, is your tail OK?

Simba: Fuck off. I'm incredibly pissed at you. I always stand right behind you while you work out and you know that jumping backwards is a stupid fucking idea, but you did it anyway, and now my tail hurts, you bitch, and you spilled water all over me, and now you've left me with no choice but to go into your room, find your favorite pair of shoes, and take a big giant shit in one or both of them.

S: I understand.

Bridget: Come on now! I know you're tired. I know you want to quit. But DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T QUIT! YOU CAN DO IT!

S: OK, Bridget.

Bridget: Are you with me!?!?


Bridget: Keep that hip out when you lunge. And don't scream so loud that your neighbors call the cops, S.

S: Sorry.

Bridget: Uh Huh. That's good! Right there!

S: Can I ask you a question, Bridget?

Bridget: Sure, as long as you do shoulder to shoulder punches while you do it.

S: No problem.

Bridget: March a little faster! Now what's your question?

S: Am I officially hallucinating?

Bridget: I'd say that's a pretty safe bet.

S: That's what I thought...

Bridget: Now a lot of people want to quit when they start hallucinating. Anyone can quit when they start seeing shit and their stomachs are all fucked up and their thighs are trembling and they're screaming and shit. But don't you think that's a small price to pay for firm thighs? Knee! Knee! Kick! Kick! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Jumping jack! Ready? GO!

Papa Smurf: You need to concentrate! Here let me help you with some of those kicks!

S: That's it. I'm turning the tape off.

Bridget: Are you sure you wanna do that? Come on. Only 15 minutes left!

Papa Smurf: You can do it, S. I have faith in you.

S: Of course you do.

So I'm sitting here very carefully on my sofa, as my ass is throbbing beneath me. I think I learned my lesson. You can't just become an athletic person in one day. It's not like I stored up all of my past workouts until I decided to take my ass off the pause button. And most importantly, I probably shouldn't do peyote right before I work out.

Will someone please come kiss my ass for me?



  1. I'll take care of it but only in a strictly medicinal way. There might have to be some baby oil deeply rubbed in there as well to avoid bruising.

  2. Peyote is definitely for after, not before, workout.

    Gin is for before workout.

  3. Funniest blog I have read today! I can just picture the scene!

    You will not become athletic overnight, but if you just start out doing something for 10-20 minutes a day, that will be a start! Burn the Bridget tape!!! LOL!

  4. i agree with ann! this is the funniest thing ive read today and probably for weeks before. LOL!! i think that bridget very much deserves to be burned. make a statement!

  5. OMG I so hate girls like you described at the start of your post. I just want to trip them and push bitches like that in the mud. LOL

    I bet you my ass is bigger than yours. I just got done eating a fucking Little Debbie Christmas tree shaped brownie.

    I'm with you girl.Sex is the only exercise for me so I make the best of it...or at least try.

  6. Ted, face down. Ass up.

    Colonel, gin goes great before one of those sex workouts.

    Ann, always glad to put a smile on your face. Bridget can't be burned! Not a chance. I have a love/hate relationship with that woman.

    Another curious, she will not be burned! Never!!!

    S,hillbilly, again please.

    PrePon, No one hates them as much as I do. They're like Stepford wives on crack. Sex...mmmmm.

  7. You are an absolute nut!! Hilarious post. Needed that laugh, especially after just coming home from the gym. (Coincidence?)

    I almost kickboxed a perky, perfect-assed chic in the face this evening when she was talking about "like how much cake I ate and my butt is like so huge now!" which btw was the size of ONE of my butt cheeks. Whore.

  8. Oh my God- that was bloody hilarious! Thank you.

  9. You know I'll kiss both cheeks but first I need to stop chuckling. I gotta hand it to you S. very funny post.........I think the last workout tape I saw around my house was maybe Jane Fonda. (Crap I must be old) Well at least it wasn't Jack LaLaine. Hey he worked out with a big German shepard and never once landed on it. I think I might inspire you to sweat if you ever need a personal "trainer". I'm puckering up already.

  10. You are SO funny! Thanks for the laugh. I might have to check out this video.

  11. Random Mo, Dude, these chicks are like less than a size 0! Is it even possible to get that skinny? Well, Nicole Ritchie did it, but ew.

    Princess, you're very welcome.

    Dave, if you're able to kiss both of my ass cheeks, you might be just what the doctor ordered. Jack who?

    Sinead, she's an evil little imp, but she sure does work you out.

  12. The imagery of you jumping around in spandex and collapsing on to the floor just literally did something to me. I would love to see pictures.

  13. oh girl that was hilarious!

    where did you get that photo of me?? i'm the girl in the middle ~the sweet one~!! ;-)

  14. Hahaha. Ok, I'm definately going back to the gym, if only to see the violence!!!

    ** kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, smooch, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss **

    There. Better?

  15. You just described me doing a workout video!
    My first visit, great blog!

  16. I apologize, but I had a hard time getting past the opening pic. Great blog!

  17. I'm with Angryman. I pretty much got stuck on the picture and it totally impaired my reading, although I think it had something to do with working out.

    I worked out once.

    It didn't work out.

  18. Me just generally pops the Vixen's yoga DVD in the machine and sits back with a six-pack and couple of bags of Doritos. Let 'ol flexy girls get the workout while me exercizes me imagination.

    Truly gut bustin post!

    You STOMP!

  19. SCG, kissed again. . . with a hint of tongue.

    Now, I think it's time you post a snapshot of your ass and let your friends here in blogsville give you our judgement.

    I agree on the "size 0" That's some nasty boney ass.

  20. hahahahah! LOVE it! I'll kiss your ass and take the peyote off your hands.

  21. Normally, I'm all about kicking someone's ass.

    But really, do you need my help? You seem to be pretty self-sufficient...

  22. i like to incorporate booze into my yoga. seriously, it really motivates me to work out.

  23. Lurker, I don't wear spandex. I can usually either be found in a pair of boyshort panties, or big baggy sweats. Lately it's been so cold, I wear pajamas all day long.

    Sweetass, if you have an ass like Holly, I'm coming to SA.

    Glugster, almost. Repeat, rinse, repeat.

    Grilled pizza, I'm going to finish my pizza and then I'm gonna try again. Your name inspired me to pull out last night's pizza with my coffee.

    Angryman, happens to the best of us. ;)

    Mike, I work out all the time. (believable?) I'm hiding the giggles that came with that comment.

    Scary Monster, I've never tried to do yoga. Although I'm really flexible and it would probably suit me better than freakin' jumping jacks because of the size of my boobs, I much prefer only putting my legs behind my head during sex.

    Hillbilly, you haven't looked close enough at my blog...

    Dyna, Thanks for the kiss, but you're not taking my peyote girl. Maybe I'll share a little for the kiss, though.

    Jessica, I'm kind of small. Like, 5' tall, and pretty little. But I'm Irish. And I pack a mean punch. If I'm too scared to punch the person, I can throw something from a pretty fair distance.

    Tequila, once I start drinking, the only exercise I'm gonna get is sex. Otherwise, I get a little when I'm walking to the kitchen to get another drink.

  24. hey, just checking in, how's that juicy apple of an ass of yours doing?

  25. oh my friggin word that was hysterical scg! i laughed so hard i had to read it twice- and i needed my inhaler!

    if i were there i would SO kiss your ass...
    i'll blow you a kiss from here instead!

  26. Ted, still hurts. :(

    Angel, inhaler? lol. I think I actually felt that kiss. Thanks a million!

  27. being that I'm sick and that everyone else is kissing your ass, I have to remain germ free. there will be no asskissing from me.

  28. I sincerely hope you're not trying to say that my ass has germs.

  29. That was funny! But did you really eat peyote buttons? If so, I hope you are a member of the Native American Church!

  30. Sure I did, Scott. And I also really had a conversation with Papa Smurf and Bridget from the girls next door...

  31. thanks for the comment... it was a long time ago, but still a scarring event. i have serious trust issues, and this was just one event in a long list that cemented them.

    ps- i love your blog!

  32. Maria, I would've checked again over there. Glad you like the blog. You're more than welcome. Come back again. :)

  33. with all those extra lips and what not on your ass, it's now a germ factory. I usually don't care about such things but I'm particular about keeping my lips away from wherever saegatious hillbillly has had his.

  34. You bring the Clorox wipes and I'll bring the baby oil.

  35. I have found that Windex Wipes are much better. I discovered this quite by accident after I "accidentally" made a mess all over my computer screen.

    Okay, this may have happened more than once.

    I get a boner every time I smell Windex now.

    I used to have a life.

  36. Mike just ruined the whole thing, cockblocker

  37. Mike, I don't think I want to ask where the mess came from.

    Ted, he's ruined nothing. He's only giving advice...Right Mike?

  38. Teddy, baby, you walking germ factory you. I haven't been sick in decades.
    Stick with me Girl. No germs, no diseases. Your ass will be unscathed.

  39. oooooo. I'd love to see this turn into an argument.

  40. Look at you go. Getting all the boys all hot and bothered.

  41. inhaler yes... giggling too much actually induces an asthma attack...

  42. Oh God -I never laughed so hard at a blog as I have tonight. I think I have a cursh. :D

  43. Laughter is good for the soul. I'll bet you burned more calories laughing than I did falling over that fucking table.